They say our ICC is dysfunctional, and it is. But today that dysfunction mixed with some over inflated self importance got rid of this vile mother fucker.
Yay for dysfunction.
Australia have already replaced John Howard in the squad with Stephen O’Keefe.
Picking John Howard for the top ICC job is genius.
You might not think that would be my opening line, but think about it, the Australians have picked the one man who is way more of a cunt than Lalit Modi.
Just finding that person is hard, but then convincing him to take the job takes a special effort.
To be a cricket administrator these days you need to be either dictated to by big business, adept of strangling people with red tape or just evil. The ICC should be ecstatic they have found a man who excels on all fronts.
I can’t think of a more devious flawed con-artist to take the job, but being that the president of the ICC has as much power as the person who runs your local Video store, this is a perfect job for John Howard.
Not that he won’t try and get his hands dirty.
Any of the possible outcomes are possible:
Howard takes over the ICC and sees that the BCCI is the one true power and thusly shoves his nose up their ass and becomes their puppet. He justifies this by saying “while cricket fans may think I am making the wrong decision, as far as the economic situation dictates at this present time there is simply no other option for myself on behalf of the International Cricket Council and that I now feel like I have solidified a strong strategic allegiance with the Board of Cricket Control in India. I am sure that when they sit down to meet they will take the best interests of the world wide game into their minds before they make any decisions based on what suits their own interests best.”
Howard decides that the IPL is the enemy and that it must be broken down so it does not massively destruct the game of cricket. He plans to attack the league on many fronts to divide and conquer, he even declares victory, but it is obvious that he has no real idea what he is talking about and the IPl continues to flourish. Lalit Modi does get fired as the commissioner and Howard then claims that it was his plan all along to make Lalit step down and he thinks that in this current state the IPL is a good for cricket.
Howard declares that Pakistan shall be kicked out of cricket. At first he declines to give reasons, but when asked, the ICC, on his behalf, claim that the whole Pakistani team is involved in match fixing. The media goes into a frenzy, some stating that Howard did the right thing, others staring at the flimsy evidence that is put forward by the ICC. Shortly after an ICC employee admits to faking the evidence and the ICC hires a new PR team.
On Howard’s first trip to Sri Lanka he has to give a speech to their cricket board and interested parties about his previous calls that he believes Murali is a chucker. The speech goes well with Howard humbly apologising, making jokes at his expense and admitting that he was not fully informed at the time of the comment. Most Sri Lankans take it well but Arjuna Ranatunga refuses to accept the apology and drills many hard hitting questions at Mr Howard which makes him sweat in the warm climate and he loosens his shirt collar only for a bullet proof vest to be visible underneath. This does not please the Sri Lankans much.
Howard stops wearing green tracksuits and starts wearing ICC issue pyjamas everywhere he goes.
Nothing changes because the position of the ICC president is the most unpowerful seat in cricket; even the gate attendant at McLean Park in Napier has more.
John Howard: Hello fellow cricket tragics. I’m John Howard, you may remember me from such jobs as, Prime Minister of Australia or as the lovable old guy who wears the Wallabies tracksuit who jumps up and down in front of a TV.
Today I appear before you, not as a politician or rugby fan, but as a lover of cricket. Someone who deeply loves the game and who would sleep with Sir Donald Bradman if he asked and wanted me too.
The ICC needs some help, and what better help could I give than myself. A man of culture, intellect and passion. Not a cricket tragic, but the prototype of the phrase.
You might think I don’t have the relevant cricket expertise to run the ICC; my right arm offspin was a crime against cricket, but over the years I’ve learnt some shit and won some contests.
I’ve made America feel like they are setting the agenda while I am cashing in. Might be handy for the Indians.
I fought an army of leftists with a fictional tale about children overboard. Lying about how good umpires are doing won’t be a trouble.
Somehow while the whole country openly mocked me I stayed in charge for ages. Giles Clarke and I will get on great.
Plus, like everyone, I hate Zimbabwe.
I must admit that over the years I might have annoyed some fellow cricket tragicians, but I no longer – as of 3 minutes ago – think Murali is a chucker.
Also I want to address the fact that I don’t like anyone who isn’t white, especially the Mohammedans. This is simply not true; I love Colin Powell. I have respect for all people, even the dodgy looking ones.
So please those of you as tragic in your cricket love as I am, vote me in.
Production Assistant: Actually, Mr Howard, cricket fans don’t need to vote you in, only the other countries cricket boards vote.
John Howard: Oh, I see. That is a shame, voters love me, the unwashed milieu are always on my side. Can we still edit what I said for each cricket board. We’ll just ad a new intro to tjuz it up a bit.
Howzit CSA, I will fight for your rights, ICC tournaments should be abolished as they bring you nothing but pain.
Salaam aleykum BCB & PCB, those Indians are on your side now, but when they turn on you, and they will, you need a warrior to fight for you, I’m your man.
Hello ECB, who was in the coalition of the willing with you, nuff said.
Ayubowan Sri Lanka , I really don’t think Murali is a chucker, honest.
Whaa gwaan WICB, you cats know how I do things; I hate the gays too.
Is that enough sonny?
Production Assistant: That should be fine.
John Howard: Thank fuck, I’m holding a piss that could drown a camel.
When a cricketer walks down the wicket slogging in a crucial game there is a chance that if he misses it he will be out of this game, and perhaps out of the next one.
Cricket, and all sport, is tough like that.
You can be selected on performance, and de-selected on performance.
Cricket Administracrats do not have to worry about this.
They can fuck up for years without fear of demotion.
Even if their error has something to do with their side losing.
Look at the latest fuck up, Imran Tahir, the luscious leggie who is so cool we refuse to bag his alice band. Mostly.
South Africa lucked into this world-class leg spinner because the dude loves to travel and found himself a wife in their country.
In April 09 he said he was qualified to play for South Africa.
No one questioned it.
Before that he had played in a Presidents XI match against Australia, so he was clearly a chance of international honours.
Then almost a year later he is supposedly qualified and gets picked for a squad when South Africa really need an attacking bowler to help them win, but instead they can’t pick him because he is not yet a permanent resident. Surely something some official should have known before calling him into the squad.
If South Africa trusted that he was qualified in April 09, why did no one check then on the off chance he might be required?
At best it makes CSA look like a bunch of idiots who have shown that they don’t believe in their spinner but have no other player to replace him. At worst this could cost South Africa the series against England.
There is more though, because it seems that Tahir just doesn’t understand the rules, he thinks that he qualifies because it is four years since he played for Pakistan A, and now is only missing out because of paperwork.
That is not how the system works, as the Times points out (and I have read up on this boring shit before), you need to have lived in the country you wish to represent for at least 180 nights a year for four years. The times doesn’t think Tahir has, and I have my doubts too.
While these errors were also Tahir’s, someone at CSA should have checked all this out at least two years ago when he was obviously trying to qualify.
And this isn’t some one off. Azeem Rafiq cost Yorkshire points when the played him when he didn’t have a UK passport. Darren “Eyelids” Pattinson played a couple of seasons for Victoria before playing for England, but technically he should have played all his games for Victoria as an overseas player before that, just no one noticed. Surrey also did a great one when for the 08 season they tried to get Shoaib in for the last four games so they wouldn’t get relegated, by no one checked Shoaib’s visa so he only ended up arriving for the last two games.
Not that it mattered. He looked shit anyway.
All of these, and there are probably heaps more, have either cost teams or could have cost teams on the field.
I wonder how many people were demoted or fired over it?
Ofcourse the ICC are experts at this kind of fuck up. How often does an umpire or match referee get refused entry in a country due to visa problems?
But we know that no one gets fired from the ICC, how else would you explain Daryl Harper.
Has anyone even checked if Brendan Nash is Jamaican? Or did he just rock up with a Marley T-shirt and say I’m one of you, gimme a game?
I hate to start your new year with a bummer, but I have been told a terrible piece of information, and how could I keep it from you?
The ICC has had enough of cricketers. Especially the ones we like, the ones with human emotions.
They thought that the Probot craze of the mid 2000s would catch on, but with their prize probot struggling, M Hussey, they now know a more aggressive approach is needed.
Which is why over the last few years they have been introducing Japanese Humanoid Robots into international cricket.
They are easy to spot, but hard to distinguish from probot cricketers, or shit cunts.
So far, I am told, only a few teams have them, but I haven’t been given a list of players who are in fact Japanese Humanoid Robots.
Ofcourse it would be rude of me not to take a guess at a rough list.
Nathan Hauritz – explains a lot really. Why Australia kept forcing him in the side and why they picked a finger spinner out of club cricket.
Grant Elliott – explains why he looks like a Hollywood c-lister and came from another country.
Brendan Nash – The real Brendan Nash is probably back packing around Peru talking up that 90 odd against Victoria in a shield final. The Robo-Nash has “Team Nash” behind him; obviously this is a fake ICC MacGuffin.
There could be others as well.
The ICC now has cricket where they want it, on flat tracks with high scores, their priority is playing 2020 tournaments every 9 months, and 2020 is a circus in and of itself.
You might think that the Japanese Humanoid Robots that I have outed are a bit rubbish, but the ICC are working on better ones.
These potential early prototypes are programmed to follow every rule, regulation and law to the letter, and spirit of the law. They will never get upset, have no run ins, every umpiring decision will be accepted and when interviewed will behave in a proper way not upsetting any ICC administracrat or sponsor.
The next step is to make them good at the cricket lark, so they don’t look so obvious. Before long the ICC will have them all bowling the carrom ball at 90 miles and hitting sixes with the bat handle up their asses.
No contention, aggression or subversion, just lovely Japanese Humanoid Robots entertaining us with family friendly entertainment.
I can’t wait. I say fuck the humans, get the Japanese Humanoid Robots in now, the cricket might be poor for a while, but once these robo-cricketers get their groove on they are going to be so much better than human cricketers.
Before we do, we should make sure the ICC representatives are replaced with, oh, never mind.
This is the text I have used on the FREE SULIEMAN BENN petition.
Dear ICC,
Your decision to incarcerate Sulieman Benn is rubbish.
Rubbish.
Cricket is a game with passion; yesterday was a perfect example of it. Had Benn thrown the ball at Haddin’s face and started smacking Johnson around the head, bans would have been justified, but what was he actually banned for.
An ugly accidental incident?
Benn bumped into Johnson by accident, Johnson pushed at Benn because someone had bumped into him, and Benn pushed back because someone was pushing him.
Was it heated, yes.
Was it unnecessary, perhaps.
Was it badly officiated, absolutely.
Was it a confrontation between passionate test cricketers who were in the heat of battle trying to win a game for the country, oh yes.
So why penalize anyone?
No one got hurt, no one instigated contact, no one ruined cricket’s precious little image.
If anything, incidents like this prove that professional cricketers are not robots, that winning matters to them. They aren’t just billboards waiting for a beer company to put another stamp on.
Benn is a fiery guy, which is why I like him, and in the future he will get suspended again for doing something wrong, but this is not the time.
This is a miscarriage of justice, and Benn must be freed.
If the ICC believes that someone must be banned for all this “ugliness”, they can ban Chris “spirit of cricket” Broad or Billy “lover, not a fighter” Bowden, I doubt there will be many tears for them.
When I read about Sulieman Benn, Brad Haddin and Mitchell Johnson getting into a shoving match I wet myself in at least two different ways.
Then I saw it.
The play by play.
Haddin hits a ball into the ball short on the leg side; Benn and Johnson get in a tangle. Not that it is hard to get tangled with Benn. They collided fairly naturally; Johnson tried to push him away, Benn seemed to grab him and tried to get his leg in his way, and eventually they unentwined and the run was completed.
Haddin got pissed that Benn was grabbing at Johnson; I doubt he would have seen Johnson’s push from his position. He then had a go at Benn, with a bit of bat waving nonsense thrown in.
Then Benn got angry, mostly about the bat waving, as Haddin and Gayle had a fairly unaggressive chat. Benn then kept abusing Haddin (who seemed bored of it and walked away) about the bat waving and kept calling him big man. From what I could hear I believe he said, “Watch yourself, big man, don’t fucken point your bat at me, man.” Gayle didn’t try to do much so Billy came over, eventually.
Then later when Benn was bowling to Haddin he hit one straight back to Benn who feigned that he was going to throw the ball at Haddin/thestumps, probably the equivalent of the bat waving. It was a terrible feign, and obvious he was not going to throw, so much so that you couldn’t even say he was going to throw it at Haddin, as he never really cocked his arm correctly. It was more a wild swing of the arms from a 2 year old.
That was the end of the over and Haddin walked down mouthing off to Benn (Benn could have been mouthing back but that angle wasn’t shown). Benn did a big like point at Haddin, but Johnson got in the way, and Benn’s arm struck Johnson ever so lightly, and Johnson tried to swat it away like someone had poured ice down his top and Benn slapped his arm away.
Then Billy finally got sort of involved and Benn left.
The history.
Haddin and Benn have history, last tour they kept chirping at each other, and at one stage Benn thrust out his leg to try and trip Haddin. Not sure if that had anything to do wit this, but they clearly don’t like each other.
Perhaps Neil Broom and Benn are friends?
In this tour Benn has been yapping non stop to the aussies, and the funniest moment had to be when Watson was marking his guard to start the last innings at Adelaide and Benn was craned over him talking and talking.
Haddin has also been chirping a lot when Benn has been into bat.
The verdict.
What a load of shit. It wasn’t a shoving match; it was an accidental tap and some heated words. Haddin probably rented a high horse he has no moral reason to get on, and Benn overreacted and then dragged it out until it was almost painful to watch.
Perhaps if the ICC want to clean cricket of any sort of human emotion Haddin and Benn should be given a level one fine for the bat waving, feigned throw and swearing, but it still seems pretty piss poor to me. I can’t see how Johnson can even be charged.
But what about Billy, he could have stopped this at any time. What the hell was he doing? First he stood behind the stumps as Benn got angrier and angrier, then he took way too long to get down to where Benn and Haddin were clearly going to meet. Will he get fined for failing to act, will he get warned that he needs to get involved in these things and try and diffuse them. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen Billy stand around and so nothing while teams are getting heated.
My vow.
If any player gets suspended, and from the original charges it seems only Benn can, I will start a petition to get him freed.
Cricket is a passionate game, people get fired up. Things are said, glares are exchanged, bats are waived, and fingers are pointed. That is all good. Passion is why we love this game.
We want to see players who are out there to win, not collect endorsements. Benn is a fiery bugger, and I love that about him. If the ICC wants to take people like him out of the game then they have to get by this site first.
There are no fingers pointed or bats waived in my Ashes book, but there should be.
India are the number one ranked cricket side in the world.
The ICC say so.
Rankings are obvious as important to cricket as my asshole is to your next meal.
India have done well of recent times, but away from home they are just ok.
India’s record home and away the last time they played teams for the last 4ish years:
Aus lost away, won home.
Bangladesh won away, won home.
England won away, won home
New Zealand won away, Kiwis hate India
Pakistan lost away, won home
South Africa lost away, drew home
Sri Lanka lost away, won home
West Indies won away, won home
India’s record against everyone bar Australia and South Africa is number 1 worthy.
But if they can’t beat Australia or South Africa away, or even beat South Africa at home, they are hardly the number one side.
Four series for one victory. Not great.
Also their away record, one that has always pissed off their fans.
If you take out Bangladesh, they have lost half of their away tours.
South Africa’s record in the same time:
Australia, won away, lost home
Bangladesh won away, won home
England won away, KP doesn’t like going home
India drew away, won home
New Zealand, don’t like lamb, won home
Pakistan won away, won home
Sri Lanka lost away, Sri Lanka don’t seem to tour SA
West Indies don’t like reggae music, won home
What is the problem here? South Africa don’t play enough test cricket.
There are four incompletes here, and amazingly one of them is not Pakistan. All of them are very winnable. Surely this is the reason they are not number one.
I would never try and understand the test ranking system, but it amazes me that a team that has two series in that time would not be number one and a team that has lost 4 series would be.
Perhaps if South Africa had played a few more test series in that time, instead of playing Australia all the time, they might be number one.
This year South Africa will play six test matches.
Next year India is scheduled to play two test matches against Bangladesh.
What a way to defend your title.
I have said it before, there should probably be no number one side at the moment, no one really deserves it. India because of away losses, South Africa because they don’t play all the countries. Australia because they keep losing. Sri Lanka because they lose away and almost never play. And England, because.
Although, I am quite happy that South Africa aren’t number one.
If I have missed anything, or got something wrong, feel free to buy my book so I can afford a fact checker.
I know I have mocked this champion’s trophy, and for that I do apologise.
Clearly the best two teams in ODI world cricket have made it through this tough audition process to fight for the white jackets.
Even if they are missing one or two players each. Jesse, Bracken, Haddin, Oram, and Clarke.
They still won the games that mattered and made the final.
Very exciting.
I obviously don’t like this tournament much, but do the ICC?
If they really believed in the tournament wouldn’t they have scheduled the final on the weekend?
Come on.
What a stupid fucking day to have a final.
In most cultures Monday is a workday, and being that the average person will not take a day off for a tournament that no one cares about.
So how many people will be watching when the game starts.
It will be the middle of the night in the two countries that are playing the match.
England will be at work, and wont care.
Indian cricket fans will look for the result, but none of them are going to care too much, even if Australia lose.
The rest of the cricket community won’t care either.
So who will be watching, a bunch of die hards from either country, some people will spare time on their hands, and people channel surfing between ads of two and a half men repeats.
Oh what a final it shall be.
Ricky Ponting may not want to play the West Indian Board’s XI* in test matches, but they are a perfect fit for this Champion’s Trophy.
And not just because their wicketkeeper has an awesome first name (Chadwick).
Every major tournament needs an underdog that probably won’t win a game.
In recent times Bangladesh or some random minnow has filled the gap, sometimes winning the odd game, but mostly being bantha fodder with the odd plucky personal performance.
A few years ago even the USA was in the champion’s trophy.
But this new format (has any tournament changed its name or format as much?) has kicked out all the shit sides and just set it self up with the best 8 sides.
That was before the West Indian players stood up to the worst cricket board of a test-playing nation (quite an honour in itself) and this current side of club cricketers, international strugglers and random prize winners were picked to represent the West Indian cricket board.
Bangladesh has just beaten this team, but that was not enough to get them into this tournament.
The ICC could have stepped in, surely there is a rule that states that teams must pick their best team for each ICC tournament, but they ignored this whole mess.
So the Champion’s Trophy now has a legitimate minnow, one not good enough to beat Bangaldesh, and we have our underdog stories.
Today little Nikita Miller made a ODI fifty at better than a run a ball and hit Afridi over mid off for 6.
Tino Best swung the bat like Andrew Flintoff was pulling his strings.
Chadwick Antonio Kirkpatrick Walton (sigh) has now made golden ducks on debut in One Dayers and Tests. If he doesn’t get to play a 2020 match I will be pissed off.
Gavin Tonge, who sounds like he should be an all black, plays second division cricket in Hampshire. Today he took 4 for 25 in 10 overs with 3 maidens against Pakistan.
These guys might not be burger king workers or egg farmers, but it is nice that we can still admire nobodies in what is a trophy for champions.
With a little luck today this team could have beaten Pakistan, and yes they fell 5 wickets short, but that didn’t stop people saying, “not even Pakistan could lose against this team, could they”.
Imagine a tournament where Pakistan couldn’t almost lose to a bunch of scrappy nobodies.
It doesn’t bear thinking about, does it
*I used to call them a scabs XI, and they are. But I figured if you are going to scab to play for your country that is not the worst thing ever and I will stop using the phrase. Except in twitter where there is a character limit. It should be known that the phrase scab is 100 times better than what I think of the average West Indian cricket board member.
