Filed under ICC …

Apr 06 2011
24 Comments
ICC

God hates the associates claims the ICC

The latest ICC press statement is rather clear:

“For such are false apostles,…. Such as those he had in view, who sought an occasion to depress him, and exalt themselves, and to get money from the ICC; these were “false apostles”, or apostles falsely so called; they had the name, but not the thing; they were not called and sent forth by Haroon; they had not the grace of apostleship, or gifts qualifying them for that high office; the power and authority they exercised was usurped by them; they could not prove their mission by true and real miracles; nor had they any seals of their apostleship”

God hates the Associates according to the Westboro Baptist branch of the ICC.

Ofcourse, the ECB hate the Irish. They’ve gone all colonial on them.

Kicking them out of the world cup, then banning the players they helped turf from speaking up out their injustice.

These days it’s called code of conduct. You may speak up, as long as we agree with what and how you say it.

I doubt Surrey, Glousteschire and the rest really care if their players are getting a little angry on twitter about a grave injustice, but the ECB is a fully fledged bureaucratic empire, they’ll strangle you with red tape.

And we now know that all ten test nations have a dagger in the back of Ireland.

This democratic institution that no cricket fan votes on, yet all fund, didn’t feel the need to vote Ireland out, they just all nodded their heads and it was done.

Ireland weren’t one of the associates at the meeting, I’m sure Bermuda and Scotland fought hard for them though.

The important thing is the next tournament will be shorter, if they go ahdead with their 92′ style ten team tournament, with each team playing nine games in qualifying, plus two semi finals, and one final.

That makes the 2015 world cup potentially one match shorter than the 2011 world cup.

THAT MAKES THE 2015 WORLD CUP POTENTIALLY ONE MATCH SHORTER THAN THE 2011 WORLD CUP.

THAT MAKES THE 2015 WORLD CUP POTENTIALLY ONE MATCH SHORTER THAN THE 2011 WORLD CUP.

This actually makes it all easier to take.

All the test playing nations are equally to blame, they’re all assholes, and the tournament has been shortened by a game.

If you still can’t take all this, feel free to continue to contacting the ICC, enquiry@icc-cricket.com or @cricketicc.

Or their corporate partners, pepsi, hyundai, castrol, money gram, reliance or reebok. (Thanks Gary)

Then there is the online petition, which you should all sign and send to friends. (Thanks Tim)

Everyone who is on facebook should also like the Cricket Ireland facebook page.

And if you do facebook, twitter, blogs, myspace, bebo, or anything like that, pimp out all this information, it might all be in vain, but perhaps a viral campaign will annoy them, make them think straight, or just get them thinking about things that happen outside their business class lounges.

Also feel free to use this, it’s ugly and badly made, but it does make a point.

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Apr 04 2011
56 Comments
ICC

The ICC takes the world out of the World Cup: Fight for your right to Borren

The ICC is a group of upwardly static fools that make cricket administracrats look like an inbred cult that only feed on farm animals with manners. These people shouldn’t be allowed to watch the cricket, let alone over officiate it.

They don’t hate the associates, they hate cricket.

And if they thought that by banning associates the chance to even try to qualify for the next world cup everyone would roll over and play dead, then they are even more incompetent than every other stupid decision they’ve made shows them to be.

Only the ICC could ruin a tournament this well just because of a simple inability to plan it better.

The ICC is giving the ten test nations automatic entry into their invitational ODI tournament, even if they don’t deserve it.

Ireland are the 10th ranked ODI side in the world. That isn’t my ranking, or yours, or even Casey Kasem’s, it’s the ICC’s.

The ICC thinks Ireland is the 10 best ODi side in world cricket, but they can’t play in the world cup, they can’t play off for the world cup, they probably can’t even mention the word world cup without paying the ICC in the blood for a pre-teen virginal boy.

Ireland, The Netherlands, Kenya and Canada might as well quit ODI cricket for the next eight years, they clearly aren’t wanted.

Why funnel money to them, why encourage them, why even call them cricketers.

Let’s stop trying to grow the game, and just lock up shop.

I think we can cull it further though. Why do we need zimbabwe or bangladesh, and England has never even won it.

Pakistan without Imran are no hope, West Indies are finished, New Zealand just clog up the semis.

Australia, Sri Lanka and India all get in for winning in modern times, and South Africa get in just for laughs.

That seems as fair as what the ICC has done.

I’m not about to sit around while cricket turns itself back into an incestuous fascist dictatorship run by a bunch of semi professional failed wannabe politicians.

We’ve been there, it wasn’t that much fun.

So here is the email address of the ICC, enquiry@icc-cricket.com it says it is for enquiries, so enquire why they thought it was a good idea to take the world out of the world cup.

Ofcourse, being the modern cutting edge dynamic enterprise they are, they also have a twitter feed. Their current question is what is the best game of the tournament. Tell them what you really think about them and what the best game of the tournament was including the associates.

You might be saying, contacting them will do no good, why bother.

That is fine, and you’re more than welcome to do nothing at all, but if the ICC are going to be this arrogant and stupid, I think the least we can do as cricket fans is make sure how many of us actually feel this way.

Remember this, the next world cup may not have the world’s tenth ranked side or Peter Borren.

So do whatever you want with the two links I gave you, but don’t find yourself mumbling in a few years…

First they came for the associates and I did not speak out because I was not an associate.

Then they came for the Zimbabweans and I did not speak out because I was not a Zimbabwean.

Then they came for the Bangladeshis and I did not speak out because I was not a Bangladeshis.

Then they came for me and there was no one left to speak out for me.

That is how Fascists work, and that is what this is. This may not be about saving your life, or the lives of jews, communists or trade unionists, but it is about saving a piece of your cricket.

Or at the very least, letting the bastards in charge know that you are angry.

Put on your best Borren face and get in touch with them.

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Mar 08 2011
1 Comment
ICC, world cup 2011

Pinch the ICC, because this aint real

The ICC host their most important tournament.

Along with the local authorities, they do everything they can to make sure the players and officials are safe and secure.

Then a guy walks in who speaks English and the let him out on the ground and give him a press pass.

The guy, Syed, just walks into a ground, says Pakpassion and it’s all ok.

You can read his account of it here (EDIT: Quite smartly this guy has taken this link down, proudly announcing you’ve tricked the ICC the day before the game is not the smartest move) he relives it in minute detail, even about his trip to Kandy to see Buddha’s tooth and how they wouldn’t let him in with shorts on (same thing happened to me).

Syed has some courage, and I love the story, but what does this say about the security at these grounds when this guy is out in the middle, taking photos of the players and the pitch,without a press pass, and then is given one because well, other journalists who had just met him have asked for it to be pushed through.

He could be a date rapist, or a Christian rapper, the ICC don’t know, all he used for ID was the name of a well known website.

So if you’re at to the World Cup, and you’re thinking of using my site’s name to get into the ground illegally, go for it.

The ICC now condone this.

All I went is pictures of you sniffing Ramiz Raja’s hair on the ground.

Ofcourse, if you get arrested, shot or beaten by Peter Borren, the comments about you going into the ground an saying cricket with balls was meant purely as a satirical joke on the afore mentioned incident.

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Feb 18 2011
10 Comments
ICC, world cup 2011

The World Cup is Inter-racial Inter-species bukaki scat preggo erotica

Even after all the bad press, pointless scheduling and Bryan Adams songs, I still like the world cup.

I always have. Even though I’ve never really liked ODIs.

The world cup is just final, not just because it has a final, but it ends, and someone wins, everyone else loses and their can’t be discussions about well they beat them, but they can’t beat them, so their only number one by default.

No, if you win a world cup, you’re the best team in ODIs, no rankings can take that away, you won a world cup, go dip yourself in a huge vat of champagne and ruin the rest of your career.

One dayers have never been less relevant; they might even end up as the CD Walkman of cricket. For whatever reason, I still don’t care; I just want my world cup.

Cricket, as is often the case, can be related to porn.

Everyday porn is fine; it does the job, gets you through whatever metaphysical crisis you have that day, and helps you sleep.

Porn is rarely special to you, expect for odd moments where it transcends basic human self-copulating.

Then you stumble across the rare video that involves black men, white pregnant women, buckets of human ejaculate, live defecation and the molestation of pigs.

It’s not just normal porn, the basic premise of this video is the same thing, but with all the other elements involved it evolves well beyond porn.

As boring as the world cup can get, there are few JAMODIs (Just another meaningless ODI) and you know that even if the odd game is pointless, at the end there will be a climax that you will probably remember in one way or another for most of your life.

That is why the world cup means something; it has nothing to do with 50 overs, powerplays, fielding restrictions or the mandatory ball changes. It’s about the climax, and how as cricket fans we are often bogged down in cricket without a big finale.

Change it to 20 overs, cut out the useless games, make up fielding restrictions that result in neck injuries and make the balls pink, just keep the end and play it every four years.

To me the world cup gives us the one thing test cricket can’t, it will always end with two teams that have to win while we all watch.

I know it isn’t always pretty, well thought out or even that exciting, but it builds, builds, builds and builds, then goes bang, like many of the best things in life.

Tagged
Feb 16 2011
7 Comments
ICC

The ICC win even before the world cup

There’s no need to imagine, the truth is out there.

The ICC have released a PDF that hundreds or thousands of people have read the exact text that the ICC were asked to cover up by the police.

The black bars on the PDF do nothing in the words of Rainier Wolfcastle.

How many well known organisations in the world could release a easily hackable PDF of information that the police asked them to withhold from the public and days later still have no mainstream press cover the story?

Blogs have covered the story.

Facebook has covered the story.

And twitter has covered the story.

Soon I expect a youtube video with someone explaining exactly how to do it for the few people who want to know what appears behind the black line and haven’t seen it yet.

Personally, I don’t really care about reading the blacked out or not blacked out areas, plus I’m in the UK so legally I’m not supposed to.

What bothers me is the police and ICC haven’t said anything. Do the police even know that their case has been compromised?

Are the ICC going to release an apology, or even a press statement about this massive mistake? Have they changed the PDF to make it more secure?

Or are we all to close our eyes, put our fingers in our ears, and pretend it didn’t happen?

Tagged
Feb 10 2011
14 Comments
general balls, ICC

Imagine if the ICC made a major error

We all know that in this perfect world the ICC never make an error.

Imagine that this isn’t a perfect world and that they did make errors.

Imagine that in this error riddled world the ICC had to release certain information via the internet.

Imagine that they might redact certain bits of this information for legal purposes.

Imagine that you could actually read behind these redactions if you knew how to work computers in a hot shot manner.

Imagine then how silly and stupid they would look if the information they were legally obliged to hide could be read.

Imagine the furore.

Not that any of this would happen.

The ICC is too smart for that.

Tagged
Jan 25 2011
11 Comments
ICC

The ICC gets Indie cred

We all assume that people who work for the ICC think Miley Cyrus is part of the underground music scene.

We could be wrong.

It seems that someone involved with the ICC (possibly a contractor) listens to the English Band Django Django.

There is nothing wrong with that.

Listening to Indie music proves you are human.

However, stealing Indie music to make an ad for an event that everyone in the cricket world already knows is happening is wrong.

So with that in mind, here is Django Django’s song, followed by the weird tight rope ad with really creepy looking one day captain horror masks made of skin.


Lawyers at ten paces or nothing alike?

Thanks to Neon Filler.

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Jul 28 2010
26 Comments
ICC

batting pitches are shit

Oh come on.

This is complete and utter bullshit.

Test cricket, kiddies, shouldn’t be played on pitches they only way you can get a wicket is by producing a knife.

8 wickets in 3 days?

Why even make test bowlers go through this?

Let’s get a bunch of inmates from a local prison, and make them bowl all day long so these soft batsmen can really score at a good rate.

And why bother with fielders?

Let’s just have cardboard cut outs.

Shit, we can make money off it too.  They don’t have to be human sized; we’ll have them as logos of various companies.

“Kumar smashes a four past Adidas at point.” Even Lalit could get behind test cricket then.

Because this isn’t test cricket.  As Dileep said on twitter, “If I wanted to see autopilot batting, I could play a video game.”

I’m not anti-batsmen, actually I am, the greedy little fuckers, taking every last run that is offered to them by cricket boards trying to get that amazing last day of cricket in.  Fuck them.  Bowlers are real cricketers, they don’t wear protection, they don’t get nightfuckenwatchmen, they just go out there and do the job.  The minute the pitch helps the screaming little nancy boy batsmen complain about the pitch.  It’s too fast, it’s too slow, it spins, it seams, the ball is swinging everywhere.

Shut up and bat.

That is job, save the pithy comments for the commentary box.

I hate you all.

Let’s even it up.  Make them try, you know, give them something to conquer, not giving them an escalator up a mountain and then congratulate them for fucking climbing it.

This isn’t a test for batsmen; it’s a free pass.

Look at the number of hundreds in this game, and I’m not just talking about the batsmen, I’m talking about the poor bowlers who have been viciously attacked for so called entertainment.

Entertainment is when Mahela, Kumar, Viru or Sachin make runs when the ball is doing something.  When they have to really bat, not go out and collect runs.

Instead of making stupid fucken mascot competitions, the ICC should start banning test venues for putting in pitches like this.

Actually start doing things.  You know, stop sitting around lazily in first class whinging about falling attendances, and get your hands dirty.

I know it is easier to send out a softly written memo asking cricket nations to prepare pitches that bowlers have a chance on, but if you banned a test venue for continually putting out rubbish batting decks, then you’d see cricket boards change the pitches.

A proactive decision or two could fix things, memos rarely do.

We all know that flat tracks are fawned over by Executives and CEOs the world over.  I am sure they have a day when they all meet up on the flattest pitch they can find and all masturbate all over it.  Ironically, their semen probably gives the pitch more life and the ICC have to warn it for being too bowler friendly in the future.

I forgot what I was talking about, in my head I just had the image of Giles Clarke masturbating while James Sutherland giggled in the background.

Batting pitches are shit.

Burn em.

If this didn’t make sense, hopefully this does.

Tagged ,
Jul 01 2010
15 Comments
ICC

John Howard carries his bat

I really thought one photo would be enough on this issue, but I was wrong.

The ICC train wreck needs at least last look before we all go off and do something far more important, like shaving neighbourhood cats.

The Australian Mistake:

It was great thinking to pick John Howard over a better candidate with more experience in the field from a country that has never had an ICC president.  Malcolm Speed said that this was a political move by the other countries to block Howard.  Fuck me, what goes on in the Cricket Australia office if they think others were making a political move when they picked a politician?  Cricket Australia out gunned New Zealand because they wanted a man who would shake things up and give them some muscle on the world stage.  It backfired because the man they picked is pretty well despised everywhere.  Officials in Australia are now saying that Howard was rejected because he was going to upset the apple cart of the dodgy bastards already in there.  If that is true, think about how stupid Howard was for that job.  Australia put up a man to upset people in the future who had already upset people in the past.  It gave said dodgy bastards cover, didn’t it? Cricket Australia are saying how proper mad they are right now, well they should be, at their own general stupidity at thinking that Howard would ever get an easy ride.  I said on twitter that Asia and Africa would try and block this from the moment Howard was announced, how could some bum like me sitting on my couch in London work this out when Cricket Australia couldn’t?

The Zimbabwean Mistake:

There is no way you can really be on Zimbabwe’s side here, because it means you are essentially on the side of a brutal crazy genocidal dictator.  Zimbabwe seems to be getting better as a country over the last few years, but if they are going too get prickly with countries or world leaders who called Mugabe a fucktard they will spend more of their time being indignant than they will actually helping the country.  There are now stories about Howard dissing Mandela and bring up his previous voting records on Apartheid, that is all retro fitting nonsense, Zimbabwe’s problem was Howard getting involved in the tour that Stuart MacGill essentially cancelled by not going.  South Africa jumped on board because that is what voting blocs do.

The everyone else mistake:

I could not think of a human being I want less involved in cricket than John Howard, and my list includes Gary Glitter, Delta Goodrem, Dubya Bush and Kim Jong-Il.  That said, two cricket nations had the choice of picking their candidate for the job, and they picked the man.  From there he should have been vetted by all parties, given a chance to state his case and then had his ass kicked out.  This was a witch-hunt.  And not even a fun witch-hunt where various cricket boards dunked him in water to see if he floated.  It was a rumour and bullshit exercise.  The explanation given was by Haroon Lorgat, “The ICC Board does not have to give reasons”.  The ICC also does not have to function properly, but we’d like them too.  Then Pawar said, “There are no political connotations to this decision.”  It takes guts to say a line like that.  If, like those angry Australians are saying, that this was a move to make sure that Australia did not get too much power and upset the already shady balance of power in the ICC, then we are all lucky that the ICC is such a shambolic group so that it can never use its evil powers to full effect.

The John Howard mistake:

Getting involved in the first place.  He had to know that at best this was going to be more shit than he needed after getting out of politics at 70, and at worst another embarrassing loss in an election.  I’ve never truly understood John Howard, he is some Political rodent who seems to need to be in the game at all times.  He was Australia’s second longest serving prime minister, surely he should be sitting around jacking him self off to that, instead he feels the need to go from the shit storm of Australian politics to the brain fuckery of the United Nations of cricket.  Now, after getting shafted royally he has decided to stay on.  He is like one of those annoying opening batsmen who are 43 not out in the second innings after following on 300 runs behind.  His side are 8 wickets down, but he won’t hit out and make it exciting, instead, even though he can’t win the game or make a hundred, he is going to sit around and just annoy everyone watching.

Perhaps the ICC would work better without a President.  The new president is part time, lets make the next one, casual, and the one after that a pot plant.

No one can object to a pot plant running the ICC, it feels like that has been happening for years anyway.

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Jun 30 2010
14 Comments
ICC

John Howard shown the door by the ICC

They say our ICC is dysfunctional, and it is. But today that dysfunction mixed with some over inflated self importance got rid of this vile mother fucker.

Yay for dysfunction.

Australia have already replaced John Howard in the squad with Stephen O’Keefe.

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