Category Archives: general balls

Suspend Australia’s culture

“Drink within your boundaries,” said a pre-recorded Michael Clarke on the Edgbaston big screen a few moments before the match against New Zealand. It’s possible he said it before the game on Saturday as well. Clarke is currently in London, getting intensive treatment on his back. Had he been in Birmingham, he may have been powerless to stop Warner from getting in trouble.

Despite what David Gower said, Australia does have culture, and at the moment that culture is toxic.

It’s easy to overreact to a man punching an opponent a few hours after a game. Or even to take that one problem, and extrapolate it so that the system and all players are to blame. Young people today, eh. Wasn’t like this in my day. These kids are running wild.

But Warner’s punch isn’t a one off for him, and many young Aussie players are doing things that are either blatantly stupid, or amazingly unprofessional way too often over the last couple of years. It’s as if Australian cricket has turned into a giant crèche. Some of these things can be explained by Michael Hussey and Ricky Ponting retiring, but it’s deeper than that, and was around even before they left.

Brad Haddin’s recall to the side, despite his replacement Matthew Wade averaging pretty much the same, shows that CA knows there is a problem. But bringing back one father figure isn’t enough, this problem runs deep.

In this team is Mitchell Marsh. Marsh arrived at the cricket academy out of shape, he was almost sent home straight away. Eventually he was kicked out for being unfit to train after a big night out. That was July last year. A few months later, in October, Marsh was left out of a Champions League match for Perth Scorchers because his 21st birthday celebrations meant he wasn’t in a fit state to play. His brother Shaun Marsh was also dropped from that game for the same incident.

Their former Western Australian team-mate, Luke Pomersbach, was in trouble during IPL 2012 when he was detained by police for alleged assault. The case was eventually settled out of court. Pomersbach has more than enough batting talent to slip into any of the three Australian sides.

Allrounder Daniel Christian was suspended after damaging not one, or even two, but three separate changerooms during the last Sheffield Shield season. Christian was fined and warned during the first two incidents, but still committed the third act.

Shane Watson, Mitchell Johnson, James Pattinson and Usman Khawaja were suspended from one Test in India after they didn’t provide any plans on how they or the team could improve. Watson, the then vice-captain, left the tour straight after the incident, for the birth of his child. That followed on from the World Twenty20, where a player was heard undermining the captain George Bailey to opposition players.

Young Queensland batsman Chris Lynn was fined for attacking the alleged victim in an assault case on Twitter. Saying “She should serve 2 months in jail for her make up! #booyah”. Lynn later apologised and noted, “Violence against women is not acceptable and I’m sorry that my words could been seen to condone that.” Even Shane Warne was running around the Big Bash League, throwing balls at people and making a fool of himself.

Now there is Warner. Before last weekend, Warner’s off-field history was fairly minor. Some bad tweeting with Brett Geeves a few years back, rumours of a personal curfew, perhaps some skinfold issues and being sent home from the academy for untidiness are hardly crimes. And neither is arguing with some press on Twitter. Sure, as a contracted player he was stupid to swear, but I am sure many players and journalists have sworn at each other in bars without us ever having to know about it.

A punishment will not do. A punishment won’t stop the cause. These players have been warned, fined and suspended; they are still making mistakes, still being unprofessional and still making it harder for Australia to win matches

This latest incident is not fully known. And in some ways it’s barely an incident. It took days to hit the press. Joe Root’s jaw is undamaged. Perhaps Warner had a few too many one quid vodka and redbulls at the wrong time of night and did something stupid. But he did try to punch an opposition player. It is far worse than breaking a door in a changeroom or failing to fill in some feedback reports.

In the past, events like this happened all the time. A player gets a bit stroppy when he goes out. A young player enjoys the good life a bit much. A player is involved in a late night incident that he should’ve steered clear of. A player bad mouths his captain.

In the 1970s, it would have been sorted out, and the player would now be doing after dinner speaking about the good old days. On Sky talking about his days, which were fairly recent, Jason Gillespie said, “If you stepped out of line off the field, you got into strife from the captain and the coach.”

So how has Australia regressed since then? How is that a potential captain of the Australian team, in CA’s own words, can take a swing at another player? I don’t expect James Sutherland to be standing in the bar making sure Warner doesn’t do anything stupid.

Culture is not an easy thing to fix. But this has happened under CA’s watch. It has happened after their Argus review. It is effecting their marketing off the field. It is effecting their performance on it. They must find the problems and fix them.

A punishment will not do. A punishment won’t stop the cause. These players have been warned, fined and suspended; they are still making mistakes, still being unprofessional and still making it harder for Australia to win matches.

Ex-cricketers were quick to abuse Pat Howard and Mickey Arthur for treating players like school kids. But they’re acting like them, consistently. It’s time for CA to look at the what is wrong with their current crop of cricketers. Or what is wrong with CA itself. This is a team that is losing on the field, and losing off of it.

This is 2013, if you want to be the best team in the world, you can’t afford to be anything but professional. South Africa is the best side in the world, they are the best behaved, led, managed and performed in the world. Their players don’t get caught in scandals, their team just works as hard as it can to win every match. They even managed to improve while their was a scandal around their board.

This Australian set up is not behaving, the leadership is not around, the management is not working and the team is not performing.

Point no. 4 on CA’s new strategy for cricket to become Australia’s leading sport is, “Provide world-class leadership and management and unify Australian Cricket”. This is the time when CA proves that is not some lip service that looks good on a plaque in their offices.

Clarke has not attended any of Australia’ games in this tournament. The only cricket he has attended was Shane Warne’s charity match on Sunday in the Cotwolds, a couple of hours from London. Warner was also there.

After Warner’s twitter moment, Clarke said to the press, “Davey has great potential to be a leader of the Australian cricket team, he’s a wonderful guy, he’s a wonderful player, I know he’s learnt from this”. That was only a few weeks back.

Whatever Warner did learn, it didn’t seem to help him early Sunday morning.

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The sa back ups

There is a lot wrong with the IPL, although, perhaps nothing Jagmohan Dalmiya and the courts of India couldn’t sort out. But it also has many good qualities. Paying domestic cricketers a proper wage is one thing. Giving unknown cricketers a place to shine is another.

Chris Morris averages 34 with the bat and 23 with the ball in first class cricket. His striking is clean. His bowling has pace. He’s 26 years old. And yet this was his ODI debut for his country.

It was Chennai who came calling first, after he’d embarrassed some batsmen in the IPL’s ugly stepchild, the Champions League, the season before. This year he played 16 games in a team good enough to make the final. He stood out. He was exciting. He was new. But he still wasn’t good enough to be chosen in South Africa’s Champions Trophy squad.

If almost every single star South Africa had wasn’t injured, he’d be at home in Highveld right now.

Instead with Morne Morkel out for the tournament, and Dale Steyn out of the game, Morris was here, and played. On the team sheet his number was written wrong. It seemed like it was an accident that he was even playing.

Once out there, Morris started his day by comically running himself out, and started his bowling by bowling a wide. But that was about as bad as his day was ever going to get.

Once he got going, his height, pace, and angled delivery style would have meant every Pakistan player who was happy Morkel was out, was already sad Morris was in.

Imran Farhat, the world’s most surprisingly regular international cricketer, was beaten by pace, but paralysed by fear. If you’d have given him the offer of walking into a fire, or facing Morris, he may have thought long and hard about it. Farhat had a gap between bat and pad, and then there was a substantial gap between the off stump and the two left in the ground.

Mohammad Hafeez didn’t ever look that happy. Morris can bowl that uncomfortable length, that when backed up with pace, just makes batsmen want to be at the non-striker’s end. Hafeez played a hook shot. But it was the hook shot of a man just hoping the ball wouldn’t end up anywhere near him. It floated gently to square leg.

When he was taken off after only four overs, it seemed like AB deVilliers was being kind to Pakistan.

But he brought on Ryan McLaren. McLaren is a child of county cricket. He joined Kent as a Kolpak when it looked like his international career would never start, which meant in theory he wasn’t available for South Africa. In first-class cricket he’s averaging 30 with the bat, and 25 with the ball. At 30, he is still not a regular player, with only 24 games since his debut in 2009.

Being a county cricket guy makes him instantly less exciting and marketable than Morris. His spell was much the same. His first spell contained no wickets in his four overs. It did however cost only seven runs. McLaren wasn’t as quick, or as scary, but he was very disciplined and clever. He didn’t do anything special, he just refused to bowl bad balls.

Those eight overs were all bowled back-to-back from the Pavilion End. But those eight overs set up this win. They were all bowled by players who weren’t Vernon Philander, Morkel or Steyn. These two are just the back-ups, but they certainly looked like more than that today.

Morris’ wickets put Pakistan behind, McLlaren’s overs kept them there. By the end of the 16th over, Pakistan were 40 for 2 and the target of 235 looked absolutely massive. From there, Pakistan never looked like winning. And the thought that both men still had overs to go, just made any notion of a comeback even more unlikely.

When McLaren did come back on later, the run rate had become nominal, and even though Misbah played some big shots, McLaren cleaned up and ended with four wickets just to make sure Pakistan were finished with.

Between them, their figures were 15-3-34-6. For back-ups, who’ve had to get noticed in domestic leagues away from home, that’s pretty good.

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Cricket news hurl: the honorary son in law

Jesse Ryder has knocked back money from women’s magazines to tell his story of the attack on him.

That’s nice, isn’t it?

I like to start with something nice, something upbeat and cheery.

Now that I’ve done that, let’s look at the IPL.

If royalty and small businesses have taught us anything, it’s that giving your family important jobs can be embarrassing.

Kim Il-sung ran the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea from 1948 until 1994. He was replaced by his son, Kim Jong-il, who lied about his golf game. He was then replaced by the grandson, Kim Jong-un, who is a fan of Keanu Reeves. Sometimes picking people because they are related to you by birth or marriage is not the best thing.

The other problem with having people who are related to you is that you can’t really deny being involved with them. Sure, you can suggest that a person is just an honorary part of management and not really involved with your team. You can change their Twitter profile so that they no longer have the title of “Team Principal” or are linked to your website. You can edit your website so that his name doesn’t appear anywhere. But you can’t edit out the link between a son and a father-in-law. It’s there, written on a marriage certificate.

You can’t even call him an honorary son-in-law.

When I clicked on the NDTV video, they had a pre-roll ad for the KFC family feast. Even the pre-rolls were mocking N Srinivasan.

According to Srinivasan, this is orchestrated pressure, and he has done nothing wrong. “I have done nothing wrong. If I have done something wrong that’s a different matter.” He will not be bulldozed, railroaded or cold-cocked into submission.

His son-in-law is a fully functioning human being, capable of doing his own thing, like holding the paddle up at IPL auctions. Srinivasan should not be blamed for any alleged crime his son-in-law may have committed.

But there will be a probe into this mess. And the probe will be run by the BCCI. Which Srinivasan runs. Into the Chennai Super Kings, which Srinivasan owns. Because of the former team principal, whom Srinivasan’s daughter is married to.

“I’m too straight, I follow the rules.” Srinivasan is being honest when he says this. Of course, he’s happy to change those rules to better suit himself. Until 2008 the BCCI had a constitution that said players, administrators, managers and team officials could not have direct or indirect commercial interests in any BCCI event or product.

If that rule was still enforced, Srinivasan wouldn’t be getting bulldozed right now, as he wouldn’t own an IPL team or have a son-in-law who was some part of its management.

And whether it was official (a Twitter bio is not official, I assume) or just a vague understanding, Gurunath believed he was part of CSK’s management. On Twitter he would tweet: “CSK team n management wishes Mike Hussey(mr Cricket) a very happy B day”, or talk about updates to the website: “We are updating the web site with latest pictures everyday. Hope all the CSK fans are liking it. Any special request can be sent to us.” Do honorary members of management really get involved with putting pictures on websites?

Gurunath also tweeted, “CSK wishes Mr and Mrs MS Dhoni a very happy anniversary. Have a great day and all the very best.” That is the same wife of MS Dhoni who was sitting in the CSK box next to the arrested Vindoo Dara Singh.

There are no photos of Srinivasan sharing his own box with Vindoo Dara Singh. As he says, “Everyone knows I do not, in fact, go to the CSK games.”

This all matters greatly because N Srinivasan is the most powerful man in cricket. This is not a bit of random boring cricket news. If Srinivasan falls (it’s a shame that 100-foot-high gold statue of him was never made), it will change the face of modern cricket.

Cricket politics can hit any level of cricket. Just this morning the Thorner Mexborough club of West Yorkshire was in a political crisis based on selection. NDTV has not yet interviewed former first-team captain David Hopps, but everyone knows he does not go to games.

Asad Rauf is also not going to games at the moment, after the ICC saw reports that the Mumbai police were conducting an investigation into Rauf’s activities. Rauf’s last claim to fame was having an attractive woman’s leg draped around him in an oft-googled image. Rauf has picked a good week to be mentioned in this scandal as he is not Srinivasan’s son-in-law.

Ireland picked a terrible week to snatch a last-ball tie with Pakistan. Kevin O’Brien smashed 84 off 47 and flicked the last ball of the game to the fence to tie the match. It was a tie, and not a draw, no matter what the Cricket Ireland social-media streams have told you. O’Brien seems to arrive out of nowhere every couple of years, smash a big nation everywhere, and then disappear again.

Despite innings like this, O’Brien has never got a call-up for an IPL franchise. And now it seems there is one less for him to play for, as Pune have said “BCCI as a sports body should have sportsmanship spirit” and “considering all the disgusted fact mentioned above now we would not keep the IPL franchisee even if the entire franchisee fee is waved off. It is firm and final decision of Sahara to withdraw from IPL.” Essentially it is about the franchise fee, and the egos of certain men, but what it means is that no matter how much the IPL wants to grow, its own infighting and nonsense don’t allow it to.

The women’s game is growing, however, and now Cricket Australia has taken the step to turn star players like Victoria’s Jess Cameron and other non-Victorian players into paid professional cricketers. It is a massive step forward in the game, and was probably inspired by how awesome Cameron was in the World Cup final.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. This article has less words in it than an average Lalit Modi tweet.

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New Zealand run up the stairs

It’s a stormy night. You’re in a strange house. The power goes out. You’re phone won’t work. You hear a door open. Followed by footsteps. What do you do?

At Lord’s New Zealand ran up the stairs.

England set them a target of 239. It was on paper a number you could chase. But in reality on a pitch where England had only one batsmen in their last seven who scored double figures, the chase was going to end for New Zealand in much the way it does for the thousands of young actresses who runs up the stairs.

Sixty-eight was a bloody way to end. But on a pitch with movement, the ball swinging, a fragile top order, a fired up Stuart Broad, an unplayable James Anderson and injuries, New Zealand could have almost been forgiven for not handling the pressure. It was bad, but bad with reasons.

On the third day at Headingley the reasons and excuses are harder to find.

The easiest is Graeme Swann. Swann drifted the ball away, landed it in footmarks, and made batsmen look stupid. Yet noted ferret Trent Boult managed to hump him around the field. In fact, the whole bottom order seemed to handle Swann far better than any of the so called batting experts. It takes a skillful offspinner to rip the ball through bat and pad. But no offspinner in the world can manufacture the gap in the first place.

Before lunch Headingley was cloudless. The sun was shining about as much as the Yorkshire Gods will allow. The pitch was coming on beautifully. The outfield was not slow. Anderson couldn’t get anything to happen. Broad’s performance was very sub Lord’s.

It was as if New Zealand had ordered the conditions for themselves.

Hamish Rutherford was picking which part of the offside boundary he wanted to hit. Peter Fulton was flicking the ball easily with his awkward tall-guy style. New Zealand skipped to a 50-run opening partnership without any real concerns. They even shut up the West Stand.

It was such a good start that it meant some people started wondering if England would even have a first innings lead.

Then on this clear day, out by the beach with friends, with good mobile phone coverage, and no one else around, New Zealand found a way to still end up dead.

Fulton, who had been waiting for full balls to flick away, seemed to completely misread the length of a Steven Finn delivery, and flicked it off a leading edge straight up in the air.

Rutherford who looked like he could boss England on a pitch this flat, was super-bossed by Finn. Rutherford was beaten for three successive balls, and then still decided to try a no-footwork drive on the up to the second last ball before lunch.

Their opening partnership was 55. Their last wicket partnership was 53. They made 174. Something is desperately wrong with these numbers

Finn hit Ross Taylor first ball. And then a few overs later cramped him up and hit his stumps.

Dean Brownlie and Martin Guptill left Swann-sized gaps in their defence, Guptill providing a passable impression of Robocop playing a forward defence. Kane Williamson over compensated. Once that had happened, New Zealand had been killed by an axe wielding maniac in their own mind.

Their opening partnership was 55. Their last wicket partnership was 53. They made 174. Something is desperately wrong with these numbers. And while a fired-up Finn and a suped-up Swann were good, they don’t explain or excuse how only 174 was scored.

With one less day in this match, the follow-on target moved 50 runs further from New Zealand, which did them no favours.

New Zealand deserved no favours. Considering how well New Zealand have fought for the majority of this cross-continental five-Test series, they would be embarrassed at how they played with so much in their favour.

It was only England who seemed to help New Zealand. If you didn’t know Alastair Cook or Andy Flower, you’d assume the decision to not enforce the follow-on was a pity move, and not a professionally thought out conservative decision based on the matches to follow.

At 116 for 1, England they showed that this pitch, and the conditions in general couldn’t be much better for batting. They also forced New Zealand’s overworked bowlers into the ground. Boult went off with a side strain. Doug Bracewell came on as third change and only bowled six overs. Tim Southee looked like a man who wanted the follow-on to be enforced.

They couldn’t even rely on the demon footmark that Swann had used, as Williamson could hit it, and get some spin, but Nick Compton and Jonathan Trott dead-batted everything that was dangerous with the sort of techniques that New Zealand only dreamed for. At the other end Cook showed it was also easy to score. Not that England needed to show New Zealand that, they’d proved it themselves.

Boult will be getting more treatment tomorrow. He probably won’t bowl again in this match. But with an unbeaten 24 and a five-wicket haul, he’s already done more than most of his team-mates.

Much like New Zealand’s chances, not much can improve by him playing tomorrow.

Cricket Sadist Hour: ‘Bowl dumb, Broad’ (feat. Iain O’Brien and Mark Butcher)

Three men, sitting down, talking about a Test.

It’s sexier than any full penetration interspecies porn you can find.

Is it Broad’s technique or his head that makes him so unpredictable?

Is the Bruce Martin Equation solved?

Will sitting on a bench help Dictator Dan be Test match fit?

Does it matter that Joe Root is not as buff as Nick Compton?

Do you dream of Jimmy Anderson inswing?

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cricket news hurl: fixing old farts

There are some things a Jesse Ryder comeback can fix, and some he can’t. Jesse can fill your heart with butterflies and lollipops, but he can’t stop spot-fixing.

Neither can the ICC, nor the BCCI. Bruce Wayne and Frank Castle couldn’t stop it.

The BCCI and ICC aren’t police agencies. They don’t have a legal right to hack players’ phones. They can’t shout, “You’re under arrest, sugar” or break down a door. They are governing bodies who regulate which umpires stand in which match, and tell batsmen off for the size of their stickers.

The ICC is not Jimmy McNulty and Lester Freamon from The Wire. It writes press releases, organises tournaments and helps umpires with their mobile phone problems. The chances are its officials don’t know how to clone a pager, will never feel comfortable bugging an office, and would not handle being undercover all that well.

The only way to really find match-fixing is with stupid players. It’s the biggest chance cricket authorities have of finding fixers. Everything else is massively out of their world.

Unless you give the Anti-Corruption and Security Unit photos of text messages between a bookie and a player that included comments like, “Yes, I will spot-fix the 37th over, the go-ahead sign will be me wearing a bow tie and doing a cartwheel in my run, please have the war bonds in my safety deposit box by Tuesday”, it’s hard for the ASCU to be anything more than a blind hall monitor.

People are, at their core, inherently evil. You don’t have to see Andre Nel’s follow-through to understand this. And people like things.

So fixing will happen.

The IPL doesn’t need to be shut down, any more than Test or county cricket did when they were involved. Cricket just needs to keep accidentally uncovering fixing through third parties or general incompetence. We can all be suspicious at times, but unless they accidentally tweet their fixing, we probably won’t have much evidence.

Of course it isn’t just the fans who lose out. What about the poor advertisers who have placed their precious brand recognition in the hands of these players? Kent R-O Systems has withdrawn its ads featuring Sreesanth.

Shiv Sena, cricket’s favourite political party, has made statements about the IPL fixing case. Now, you could say, “Why?” But don’t, just read this.

“T20 may have given fame and money to many new players but it has also opened a new window of gambling and sex racket in the country. The Kauravas in the cricket are destroying an entire generation”. That was written an editorial in Saamna, a newspaper owned by the Sena. It added, “Cricket is no longer a gentleman’s game and has no connect with patriotism.”

Cricket is no longer a gentleman’s game, although, considering the laws were formed on betting, it would be safe to say the gentlemen loved a flutter themselves. Ted Pooley missed out on being England’s first wicketkeeper because he was in jail in Christchurch after being involved in a fight over a match he was betting on, and umpiring in. Although there is no evidence to say that Pooley was involved in opening a new window of a sex racket.

The PCB, probably not Shiv Sena’s favourite team, is doing what it can to stop the players from getting in a fix by employing a vigilance officer for the Champions Trophy. A vigilance officer will say things like, “Don’t put that jacket on”, “That man doesn’t need to know the weather conditions” and “All no-balls should be punished by jail time”. There is no human being who couldn’t do with a vigilance officer.

The umpires in the IPL were certainly vigilant when Yusuf Pathan was batting, and kicking. Pathan, who had dug out a yorker, was called through for a run and as the ball went straight towards the bowler, he decided to kick it away from Wayne Parnell. “I don’t think it was intentional,” is what the commentator said while Pathan’s foot opened up and dribbled the ball forward, away from the bowler to save himself. Only briefly, because shortly after, Pathan was given out obstructing the field.

Less vigilant, or maybe, who the hell can tell, was the person who needed to get the paperwork done for the new stands at the MA Chidambaram Stadium. The Chennai Corporation sealed three stands in the stadium, saying the Tamil Nadu Cricket Association was yet to get planning permission and building approval. The stands were reopened for a sellout game but are now closed again. Being that Chennai is Mr Srinivasan’s personal playground, and his job is construction, it seems like someone is trying to embarrass or bother him.

I’m pleased to announce that Enville Cricket Club’s renovations will be going ahead, although club secretary Dave Thomas said, “It has been designed so the lounge can be built at a later date.”

A club cricket incident happened in the Bangladesh-Zimbabwe T20 this week. Zimbabwe won the match and their interim coach, Stephen Mangongo, pushed Natsai Mushangwe. Mangongo had asked Mushangwe to give a message to a batsman, but instead found Mushangwe having a meal. Mushwange, who was not eating Nandos, and Mangongo have known each other for years. But there must be a part of Mushwange, a young leggie, who is happy that Mangongo has not been given the role of head coach.

Another person who may not get a role in leadership anytime soon (sorry, David, please don’t abuse me) is David Warner. Tweeting from India well after a sensible time of night, Warner attacked cricket writer Robert Crash Craddock for being a jealous p****, talking shit and sucking up asses. Then when Malcolm Conn stepped in, Warner, much like his early innings against Dale Steyn, just kept swinging, telling Conn that no one buys his shit and described him as an old fart and a goose. It seems the one thing the IPL can’t fix is an old fart.

Cricket Australia says it is aware of comments made on Warner’s Twitter account overnight. “Cricket Australia is attempting to contact Warner and will continue to investigate the matter.” I’d hope they are aware, as the comments are still on Warner’s Twitter page.

It is not yet known if Warner’s nephew has access to his Twitter account.

Warner could have used his time more effectively by listening to the Caribbean Premier League’s anthem called “How We Play”. According to the official Youtube page, “The innovative mix is sure to spawn a new genre [writer Marlon] Chen calls ‘Caribbean Dance’ – a mix of Soca, dancehall and techno music.” I hope it does, because since “C’mon Aussie C’mon”, cricket anthems have been a bit uninspiring.

Someone who is never uninspiring is Victorian Glenn Maxwell. His brilliant late run of form for Mumbai Indians has been as inspiring as any anthem. In one over against Rajasthan Royals he scored over 15 runs on his own. The over was so good, news stations around the world have picked it up and continue to show it.


If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. Kimber combines the best elements of each genre and the result will inevitably make you want to get up and dance.

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Cricket Sadist Hour’s Biting Bresnan with Mark Butcher and Iain O’Brien

This is three men, who of which played Test cricket, one of which caught his dick in a zipper, talking about England V New Zealand.

Important questions are answered.

What is the Bruce Martin Equation?

What Organ is Matt Prior?

What does Onions have written on him?

And what is South Africa’s second best export after District 9?

All these questions are answered.

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cricket news hurl: fast hair

There are people who think I just start each edition of the news hurl with Jesse Ryder in it for fun. They don’t see it as a public service announcement like I do. This week it is clearly a public service announcement, as I am telling you that if you bid on the “NEW ZEALAND Cricket JESSE RYDER Signed Bat Frame” on eBay, you will get a fake. It is not Jesse’s autograph, and the metal information plate says West Ham, and is upside down.

It’s this sort of exploiting of cricketers that cannot go on.

That is where the ECB is stepping in. This summer in the UK they have trademarked terms like “Ashes”, “Ashes Cricket 2013″, “Australian batting collapse” and “Stuart Broad’s tight groin”. The idea is to stop ambush marketing and protect the ECB’s IP. Much like they in the Olympics. Of course, ambush marketing is impossible to stop. If someone wants Michael Vaughan to be the face of a men’s nail polish line this summer, as long as the trademarked words aren’t used and the nail polish can find enough money to tempt Vaughan, they can exploit the Ashes fever even without the magic words.

Wasim Akram might be a better choice for a men’s beauty product. It was Akram who suggested Pakistani stylist Nabila Ahmed give a lecture to young fast bowlers about the importance of good hair. According to Akram, “a good hairstyle and good dress add to your confidence and it can play a very good role in giving someone much-needed confidence.” It would be easy to mock this, but as Michael Holding, Dennis Lillee, Kapil Dev and Keith Miller have shown us, good hair can make the fast bowler. But Glenn McGrath had a nerdy kindergarten haircut for most of his career, and even mulleted up un-ironically at times. So sometimes talent is also important.

Even with rubbish hair, McGrath was also “cool” enough to inspire SAFM radio host Michael Beveridge to get a tattoo in his honour.

It's not about the hair, it's abut the length.

It’s not about the hair, it’s about the length.

It’s fair to say that Michael Mason never had great confidence from an Akhtar-like flowing mane. But this week he had amazing news when a story of him being picked up by Kings XI Punjab as a replacement for Ryan Harris made headlines. Despite the phone calls Mason received, the tweets shocked at the news, and even reports that appeared everywhere, Mason was not picked. The player Kings XI actually signed was Michael Neser, a Queensland allrounder. Mason is still retired, even though he has played as many IPL matches this season as Glenn Maxwell.

The MCC announced plans this week for global domination by talking of pimping out their lair, Lord’s, into the world’s greatest everything. They have a 200-million quid plan, and a 36-minute Youtube video explaining it all. The only problem being that most of their members had not heard of Youtube, or the internet, and those who did find the video fell asleep a few minutes in. Lord’s will have an updated food area and robot stewards who will obliterate anyone caught on their mobile phone during a Test. A member suggestion to clone 200 Glenn Maxwells was voted down when no one knew what they would do with 200 Glenn Maxwells.

Maxwell’s Mumbai Indians, which they are never known as, will now not have to play their playoffs in Chennai and lose use of Lasith Malinga, after a stunning decision from the BCCI. All recent evidence suggested that the entire cricket world was to be moved to Chennai so that Mr N Srinivasan (his 100-foot-high gold statue is still under construction) wouldn’t have to leave his favourite city. The madness of an obviously unfair playing condition had gone on long enough, but if it had continued during the playoffs, any pretence of the IPL being a serious and fair tournament could be completely flushed down the toilet. The matches have been moved to Delhi.

Even with the unfair playing field, some people still take the IPL very seriously. One man took it far too seriously. During a particularly close match between Royal Challengers Bangalore and Delhi Daredevils, an Englishman of 72 left the room, only to return to the room to see his wife had changed the channel. Rather than acting rationally and asking for the channel to be changed, he grabbed his wife and repeatedly told her he was going to kill her. The man was found guilty this week, made to pay a 100-quid fine and given a three-year good behaviour bond. Royal Challengers won the game in a Super Over.

This year is the 150th birth anniversary of the Diss Cricket Club (not made up). According to edp24.co.uk, this weekend, past members will all turn up to pose for an aerial photo. The playing group that Diss has constructed is also very impressive. “What really struck me last weekend was that we’ve got 11 players in the team who can bat very well and the majority of them can also bowl very well. It’s a remarkable set-up because we have all bases covered,” said club chairman Martin Fairweather. No wicketkeepers, though.

Rubel Hossain has the chicken pox. If he had better hair, he would not have got sick.

Another bowler with very stylish hair is Ryan Sidebottom. But there are two Ryan Sidebottoms. One from Yorkshire who is remembered for the natural perm and for yelling at his team-mates when they dropped a catch off him. And one who has a brother named Steele, and has just been awarded a contract with Victoria.

I hope future generations will inherit a world with more Ryan Sidebottoms and less fake Jesse Ryder merchandise.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. This week we celebrate fifty years of One Day cricket, that’s a whole lot of boring middle overs.

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Huddling

Cricinfo have a show called the Huddle which is recorded daily during the IPL. Proper famous people are on it.

And me.

I’ve done quite a few, but I haven’t linked to them here because like switch hit they aren’t my show.

But, here is one on cricket commentary.

If you like it, there are others, on many other things. You can even watch them live on the cricinfo home page.

At the end of the day, or the beginning, it is just me talking shit with people. Which is what I do.

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cricket news hurl: slogging birthday edition

It wasn’t until Jesse Ryder tweeted, “Take a bow Chris Gayle unbelievable batting”, that the cricket world truly appreciated Gayle’s innings of 175 off 66 balls this week. The innings, which started going viral before he had finished it, included some of the most tremendous hitting off some of the most disgusting bowling ever. Except for Aaron Finch’s bowling, which was just unlucky.

It was an innings so good that the LA Times ran a story on it. Let’s laugh at them.

“West Indies batsman Chris Gayle rocked the sports world Tuesday, setting Twitter ablaze with praise in 140-character dollops when he scored the fastest 100 runs in the history of professional cricket after just 30 pitches.”

This should be a lesson to cricket administrators who talk up their Twitter activity. It sounds stupid even when Americans do it.

Americans were also mentioned in a Simon Hughes article. In the piece Hughes claimed that Michael Jordan was the sportsman of the 20th century, and that MS Dhoni was an early candidate as sportsman of the 21st century. Now I like MS Dhoni in a World Cup final, or an IPL game, or even occasionally in Test match, but comparing him to Jordan in any other way than with sponsorship deals seems way off. Jordan still is the all-time leading scorer per game in NBA history. He won six titles, three after a retirement. And he was in a film with Bugs Bunny.

Dhoni is pretty good too, but Ashish Reddy is no Joe Dumars. Dale Steyn is more like Joe Dumars but with more off days.

The well-named, for the sake of this segue, Jordan Clark also beat the hell out of a bowler who wasn’t having a good day. Clark, a 2nd XI player with Lancashire, hit (name withheld, because the poor bowler has been through enough) for six sixes in an over. Like Jordan, I know the thrill of hitting six sixes in an over. He might have done it in 2nd XI county match, but I think my six sixes off a man named Noel in a ’96 beer match at the Seth Raistrick Reserve in Campbellfield counts just the same.

Mind you, there is someone who put me, Gayle, Clark and Dhoni to shame a few years back. First-class Sri Lankan cricketer Dhanuka Pathirana was playing a club match in Lancashire’s Saddleworth League (it’s real, not made up). This match was a T20. In the match, Dhanuka made 277 off 72 balls. Twenty-five of the balls he faced didn’t go for four or six. Forty-seven did. Had Danny Morrison been there, his head would have flown off and scored another boundary. It was that kind of a party.

Another party was had this week when one of the world’s most popular cricketers had a birthday. Everyone was tripping over themselves to sound as deferential as possible. By the thousands, the birthday messages came in from cricket’s elite.

“Dear Monty, many happy returns of the day wishing you health and success always thank you god for this day regards”; “Have a super birthday Monty Panesar great to se you still playing and having fun a true Legend of the game”; “Happy Birthday Monty! May all things wonderful big & small always come your way now & forever! Lotza love always…”

One day Monty’s birthday will be a national holiday, such is the love, respect and admiration that the cricket world has for him.

It was a worse week for another spinner. Danish Kaneria had his lifetime ban appeal rejected. He can still have the ban shortened, although at his age that may not be of much comfort. Kaneria will also have to pay £100,000 in court costs for the privilege of losing. Being that he cannot play cricket and earn money in whatever way from that, making that 100g back will not be easy.

Money was also on Mark Taylor’s mind when he said, “If you look at the IPL and the money that’s going around there, that’s got to be a big influence, I think. As much as they all say ‘Test cricket’s the No. 1′, a million dollars is very distracting.” Shane Watson then spoke about the good qualities of the IPL. Of course, Watson has averaged 24 in the last two years in Test cricket.

The only two countries who don’t lose many players during the IPL are playing a Test right now. Bangladesh were embarrassed in the first Test, but have started well in the second, even though it’s at the exact same venue as the last Test.

That would not have been possible at the March Town Cricket Club. No games were possible there. Because crows ate the pitch. Talking to the BBC, club member Pat Ringham described the damage as being as if “50 hooligans let loose with golf clubs”. That’s some pretty aggressive crows, which were apparently just trying to eat some grubs.

John Parker, everyone’s favourite unofficial biographer of New Zealand disgraces, has apologised to Brendon McCullum for the nasty things he wrote in his 77-point dossier. Parker said he never wanted to discredit McCullum, and he probably didn’t. It was the NZC board he was after. Parker has now also apologised to Mike Hesson. This is probably the end of the Ross Taylor captaincy saga. It means that in the short term if we want to make fun of the Kiwis, it will have to be for what’s happening on the field, not off it.

Daily Mail readers made fun of Rod Stewart this week when pictures of him wearing his full cricket whites on the streets of LA were shown on the site. One commenter said, “Rodney is such a plonker sometimes..It’s L.A. not Lords.”

Stewart is a keen fan of cricket, and as such he would be pleased to know that Fawad Ahmed signed a three-year deal with Victoria this week. Now all we need to do is find this guy a passport and John Inverarity will send him to the Ashes. Chances are he’ll stay fit longer than Ryan Harris.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, emailcricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. Happy birthday, Peter McIntrye.

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