Filed under champion’s league …

Sep 24 2011
2 Comments
champion's league

Champions and their drinks

The word champion is interesting.

Cricket had a champions trophy, but no one seemed to care at all about that.

Now it has a champions league, and not that many people seem to care about that either.

Perhaps it’s just a problem with the word champion. Or a lack of apostrophe when using the word champions.

In today’s champions league match, NSWales took on Cape.

NSWales played their cherubesque keeper Daniel Smith, who is not only a now more occasional player for NSWales, but is also a playing coach for the Sydney Thunder later this year.

He doesn’t average more than 27 in any format of cricket, yet he never stops smiling.

He’s that sort really of dude, people seem to like him, he’s better than shit, but not great, and obviously knows enough about cricket to play at first class level despite a less than athletic physique.

Today he was sent in as the number 3 for NSWales.

It was hot.

While batting he was brought out a drink.

The person who brought out that drink was the Don Bradman of tailenders, Philip Joel Hughes.

A week ago Hughes was making 120ish against Sri Lanka in a test.

Now, he brings drinks to an assistant coach of a domestic t20 in a league of champions without apostrophes.

If that doesn’t make this league a champion’s league, I just don’t know what does.

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Sep 18 2010
6 Comments
champion's league

Klinger sings

The first time I heard about Michael Klinger we were both 16.

Now we are both old.

At 16 Klinger was a batting prodigy, and I was a dodgy leg spinner with a bad attitude.

Over the years I always wanted him to do well for Victoria.

It rarely happened.

Generally he would make a slow start, almost stop scoring, and then stay at the crease for a while before going out.

It was painful, no one liked it.

This went on for almost 10 years.

It got to the point where I named him the Hebrew Hammer; part out of satire and part out of hope.

It still didn’t work.

Then he went to South Australia and he made more slow runs in one season than it seemed he had in years.

It seemed a match made in heaven, the poor state side and the immovable batsman.

Last season Klinger continued his turgid batting.

Before the champions league it was probably almost three years since I’ve seen him bat, but boy, has he grown a pair of Teflon balls.

He isn’t just batting in the champions league, he’s fucken well leading the whole league in scoring.

In t20.

A form of cricket that is alien to him as Sunday mass is to me.

Every time I’ve seen him bat in this tournament he has kicked ass, and this is a man who used to fret over nudges off his hip. And then go out.

It’s like seeing your boring ex-girlfriend flirting in a bar with dozens of men when she wouldn’t even let you tie her up or watch her piss.

10 years I spent watching Klinger fuck about.

10 years.

Now he has gone off and become some sort of multifaceted professional batsman, while all I got is the misery of watching him take forever to fail.

I believe the only explanation for this is that some alien slug has entered his anus and is now controlling his every move.

Because we may test for performance enhancing drugs, but no one tests for manipulative alien slugs.

We should, because it is the most obvious answer to his change of fortune.

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Sep 14 2010
13 Comments
champion's league, victorian bushrangers

how Victoria started me drinking

By losing.

That is how.

It has been a long time since I have seen the Vics play live, about 12 months.

These days I find out the result in full.

I don’t have to go through the pain of waiting of watching, listening or reading updates of how the game is.

I just crack up my phone, find the page and feel good or bad.

Yesterday I had to watch.

Seeing the first ball find the rope.

Then the first over costing 17 from Dirty Dirk Nannes.

I had to sit through both of Shane Harwood’s overs.

Everytime David Hussey made a questionable captaincy decision i saw it.

Davey Jacobs playing for an IPL contract.

Maxwell provide me with no reason to ever back him.

And the stumps doing more dancing than the paid “dancers”.

For most of the game I just felt ill.

I’m not used to this feeling anymore.

I didn’t know how to handle it.

My stomach couldn’t handle this.

At the moment I’d prefer this was a knock out tournament, I don’t need my ass inverting 3 more times as I watch the Vics play.

Now, it is true that I could just not watch.

But I can’t do that either, it just isn’t right.

So instead I have bought some bourbon.

Cheap no name brand bourbon.

It shall get me through this tournament, I hope.

Or Victoria could start playing better.

But I trust the bourbon more.

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Oct 23 2009
champion's league

Brett Lee is a double champion

You could say that NSWales won the latest Lalit soiree.

I say Brett Lee did.

That way I have to give NSWales no credit.

Well played, Brett.

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Oct 21 2009
champion's league, victorian bushrangers

Nathan Hauritz’s Revenge

It had to come eventually.

For  so long I have poured all kinds of shit on this little club offie.

He still survived.

He even took test wickets.

He cemented his place in the One Day side.

He even didn’t always look like a nervous wreck one six away from suicide.

Now his hate for me has made me so strong that he has taken down the one team i truly love, VIctoria.

That lickle fucker.

Two wickets in one over, and Victoria were dead.

He even took the piss by then bowling his second over for 12.

Nice touch.

I could see him on the bench mouthing “fuck you jrod” as Warner and Hughes smacked the Vics everywhere.

When he bowled Quiney with the arm ball you could his middle finger staring back at me on the screen, he knew i was watching, and he was making a statement.

Well played, Nathan.

You have won this time, but let’s see who gets the last laugh.

I just didn’t think the Victorian team would help Nathan get back at me.

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Oct 20 2009
champion's league

thank you, lalit

It is easy to take the piss out of Lalit Modi.

Look he is a greedy wanker who once pleaded guilty to kidnapping.

Look he has paid people to listen to him now the camera is on.

Look he is talking on two phones at once.

Look at his face, he is clearly the Ricky Ponting of Sports Admin.

But, think about what he has done for us.

He has given us three cricket sides that cost roughly 300 Million USD to be put together.

Only 170 Million of that was on the Deccan theme tune.

Then he put these three teams into a tournament especially set up so that they would have a second chance to shine.

He invited others for the hell of it.

And then his 3 millionaire clubs all fell down.

Not one of these sides has even made the semi finals.

That is quite an effort.

Instead we have the great story of the Trinidad & Tobago team captained by the smooth drink of water that is Daren Ganga.

And 3 other teams.

Lalit, i thank you for allowing all of us to laugh at millionaires and IPL teams, while giving us the gift of Ganga.

You are truly a good hearted man.

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Oct 16 2009
champion's league

Moises Henriques is assaulted

Case # 09588460CPD Title Assault
Report # 09157760CPD.1 Subject 254 – Assault
Location Rajiv Gandhi International Stadium
City Uppal, Hyderabad Zone 7
Precinct 13 District 160
Occurred 16/10/2009
 Between N/A
Report Date 16/10/2009 11:00:08 PM
Reported By Sergeant Jrod Badge 1331

The victim stated that he was in Rajiv Gandhi International Stadium at the above location on the above time and date.

The victim stated that he was asked to bowl by his captain (SK) he was when savagely beaten for 4 or 5 times by Suspect 1 (KP).

The victim stated that he advised the captain that he had been beaten.

The victim stated that captain advised him that he would have to go back to face up to the suspect.

The victim then said that the Suspect 1 then grabbed him and and beat him three more times around the head, then suggested the victim leave.

The victim’s teammates then carried the victim off the ground.

The captain then advised the victim that he was a disgrace to his uniform.

The victim then used profanity towards the captain.

To prevent an escalation the victim’s teammates stepped in and handed the victim to local ambulance staff.

The victim has submitted this as evidence.

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Oct 14 2009
champion's league, windies

Daren for world supreme leader

During the L Ron Stanford Super Series thing, one man stood out as a captain, a leader, and someone with a level of proper dignity in him that seemed so removed from the rest of the circus.

His name was Daren Ganga.

While Gayle behaved like a spoilt stepson of a millionaire, and KP like a pretentious old school English wanker, Ganga seemed to accept the series for what it was to Trinidad and Tobago, a chance to earn some money and get some national pride.

They went within one run of England in one of their warm ups, and then in the final T&T restricted Middlesex to 117 and got the runs at the start of the last over with 5 wickets in hand.

In neither game did Ganga make any runs.

As a batsman he is hardly favoured by the nature of 2020 cricket, but as a captain he was a golden god.

He seems to have a natural understanding of cricket, he gets the most out of his players, and makes the tough calls when he has to.

Myself and my occasional Guyanese taxi driver always bond over our love of his captaincy.

In the Champion’s league he has just increased my man love for him.

Now that the West Indies board and the WIPA have decided to settle their differences, they must stop wasting time on captains who do not know how to do the job, or just don’t want to do it.

Ganga is the man for West Indies cricket.

If they give the captaincy to anyone else, they are just wasting their time.

Obviously in this tournament I want Victoria to win, but if T&T do win, I can’t say I’d be any happier than if Victoria win it.

Here is this small domestic team taking on the world cricket’s millionaires, and so far, winning.

Only Dwayne Bravo is a certainty for the Windies, and yet they have beaten the import heavy Somerset, and now the IPL winning Deccan Chargers.

They have spirit, they have belief, and they have Daren Ganga.

I want the Windies to have this as well.

Fuck I want everyone to have it, right now I would vote Daren in as world supreme leader.

Go T&T, take them all down.

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Oct 10 2009
champion's league

India are shit at T20 cricket

I don’t believe this title.

Or even agree with it.

Right now it is making me laugh, so I couldn’t help myself.

When the IPL teams lost to South African and Australian teams i thought it was fair enough, they are quality teams.

But this was SOMERSET.

I thought they were the worst side in this competition, and they just beat the Deccan Chargers, winners of the last IPL.

Deccan has their own song, Somerset is sponsored by eggs.

Do you see the difference.

This is an amazing result.

If these were normal Indian clubs from the Ranji trophy it wouldn’t be that funny.

But these are fake plastic teams owned by magnates and collective wankers with big troughs of cash to dip into at any time, so the schadenfreude is monstrous.

Right now I demand that the Lalit Modi poll be re-taken, surely 82fucken% of people don’t think he is the saviour of shit right now.

Maybe Twenty20 will save cricket.

One IPL loss at a time.

Dine out on this cricket lovers, as, sadly, the IPL teams will win games, but not as many as they thought.

Is it too late to replace these teams with a Ranji team, just so Indians can save face…

Or should we start to bag the underperforming international players, their money grubbing nature is ruining the young pure cricket players of India.

Either way, I am still laughing.

Eggs.

Tagged
Oct 09 2009
champion's league

IPL teams to boycott remaining Champion’s League matches

Controversy has hit the Champion’s league with the IPL franchises from Bangalore and Delhi deciding to pull out of the competition.

The organisers of the tournament are in shock, and have started making calls to other non Pakistani 2020 domestic teams to see if they can fill in.

The move comes after a contract dispute between the Champion’s League and the IPL teams.  Originally the teams were promised that they would be the best sides in the competition. It became clear to Delhi and Bangalore in their first games that this was not the case.

They shared their reservations with Lalit Modi and other key members of the organising committee on Friday night, but it appears that the talks broke down almost before they started.

Amongst the revelations is that both sides believe they were guaranteed semi final places by key officials, but there is no paperwork that backs up this claim.

There is no word yet on what Deccan will do, they are still yet to play their first game, but as some of their players were overheard saying they considered their first game a bye, you would assume they are still happy to go ahead in the tournament.

This is a blow for the tournament that is still reeling from the fact that Shaggy was the best artist they could get for the opening ceremony. With reports coming in that the crowd for the first game that had no Indian teams participating, NSWales Vs Diamond Eagles, was 11 people until the 13th over, this is the last thing this exciting new venture in cricketainment would want.

Indian fans are upset too.  Being that 82% of them voted Lalit Modi the saviour of Indian cricket, they cannot believe that he would let this happen.

At least one Indian politician has called for the tournament to be scrapped and for Lalit Modi to be sacked.

Champion’s League officials are working through the clock to try and keep the tournament alive, Lalit Modi was least seen talking on three mobile phones at the one time.

EDIT: I can’t believe I have to say this, but this is satire.

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