Australian Autopsy: The gory details of how England Dissected Australia in the 2010/11 Ashes.
Wait, don’t slash your wrists along the veins in the way that most hollywood films won’t show you.
I can understand that you want to kill yourself because of general unease in the middle east, the global economic situation or kids attacking shops. I know that somewhere a cute white child has gone missing and you’ve lost faith in humanity. Maybe the death of the shastribot is upsetting you deeply, or you’re an international cricketer prone to suicide because cricket is a fucked up sport. I get it.
But don’t slit that wrist just yet, first, buy my book.
Sure it’s about the Ashes and you hate the Ashes, but I wrote it, and it has a scene of an Autopsy on the front.
I mean, it’s totally balls to your face awesome.
The world is a fucked up place, and I understand why you may want to end your life, but it would be stupid of you to kill yourself before buying my book.
So buy it, and maybe some rat poison, via the internet and you can read the book and then go out on a high.
For those who like to amazon.
Some of you like to book depository.
As for you Kindle ePub fans, I am told there will be a downloadable version, but I don’t know when just yet.
I know some of you sick depraved types like autographed copies, so you can email me via cwb at cricketwithballs.com and I’ll charge you extra and scribble something down that not even I can read.
And as a special treat for all 7 of you who want it, I shall be recording my own Audio Book in the next two weeks or so, it will be me reading the book, probably abusing the bits I no longer like, and you know, mumbling a lot. It’ll be a audiobook/author’s commentary/podcast type nonsense.
Also, don’t kill yourself, I don’t want to go on if a reader of my site kills themself while Tony Greig still exists.
Gideon did one, Athers did one, and even the ECB did one.
But the Ashes couldn’t possibly be dealt with correctly until I stepped in.
So I have.
Cricket with balls is happy to present, ashes 2009: when freddie became jesus.
Available now on Amazon.
On the back of the book it says:
“He’s such a pleasure to watch that if I were a mad billionaire who hosted parties that people came to just because there was a lot of booze and freaky shit going on, I’d hire Ian Bell, strip him naked, oil him up and make him practise his cover drive for hours on end in a giant birdcage. Test cricket, though, isn’t that simple.”
So says Jarrod Kimber, who goes where other cricket chroniclers fear to tread. Having left behind a film-making career in Melbourne and with marriage to his Pom girlfriend imminent, Kimber, the Australian author of the cult blog cricketwithballs.com, finds himself in England for the 2009 series.
From his couch, in the stands, and with occasional press passes from the Wisden Cricketer, he produces a unique take on events on and off the field: when he’s not rubbing shoulders with cricket’s glitterati, he’s probably rubbing Steve Waugh up the wrong way. But amid the bawdy humour and ribald ranting is the kind of penetrating insight and love of the game that by the end of the
summer had journalists of a more conventional nature tapping cricketwithballs into their search engines.
So you really should buy it, if the ashes is your thing, it has 25% material from here, but the rest I just made up recently.
If it isn’t your thing, just click on the link to do me a favour.
Book number 2.
The year of the balls 2008: a cricket disrespective.
This is what it says on the back of the book:
“If Wisden is cricket’s bible, then Cricket With Balls is its Satanic Verses. This is not a cricket book for the tea and crumpet set. You need to be a perverted sort of cricket fan to enjoy this. You’ll find yourself immersed in the players’ boudoir activities, cry at the Bryce McGain saga and will be asked to join Sehwagology. There are heroes, villains and tales of South African redemption that will make you question the very core of your being. The book has more cricket opinion than an orgy with Peter Roebuck, Navjot Sidhu, Arjuna Ranatunga and Geoffrey Boycott. Abducted directly from the blog cricketwithballs.com, this is the ultimate disrespective of the 2008 cricket year.”
10 reasons to buy the book:
1. Every book you buy is a slap in the face of Ricky, Lalit, Sourav, and South Africans.
2. Sehwag commands you.
3. Where else are you going to get a book with Jacques Kallis having sex and a complete list of world cricket blogs.
4. If I don’t sell many copies I will have to get a real journalist type job and write for cricinfo.
5. I have a list for all the people who have told me they have bought it, but haven’t, and I’ll be coming around your house with a machete.
6. You’d buy me a beer if you met me, so buy my book.
7. Dirty Dirk & Nice Bryce’s literary debut.
8. If my book fails, I’ll be so broke I’ll have to start ghost writing for Tony Grieg.
9. Being successful will take me one step closer to Natalie Portman.
10. To stop me talking about it.
For those intense CWB fans.
Autographed copies: Some of you sick fuckers may want me to sign your copy, happy to do so. That will bring the total up to 10 quid, not because my signature is worth that much, but because of the fucking around, you will also understand, I hope, that it will take longer to get to you.The autographs can be personalised. Just email me at email@example.com and i’ll sort ya out.
Cricket Blogger’s Incentive: You might be thinking, why do I want a cricket with balls book, i write my own blog and I rule. Well how about the fact at the ass end of the book I have included every cricket blog from my cricket blog links (that I had up by December 31 2008). So you can buy the book and show your girl, guy, prostitute, mother or parole officer your blog in print. Pretty hot huh.
The book: It is essentially a best of 2008 from this very site. Now I know what you are thinking, I already read every post religiously then print them out and keep them under my pillow. But this has a proper cover, and I have fixed some of the errors. It clocks in at 163 pages, and has all my favourite posts from last year. Unless you are a freak you probably haven’t read every one. Don’t feel obligated to buy it, it isn’t like I have given you thousands of free posts without really profiting enough to buy a nice new suit.
The foreword: Yes it is the real Gideon Haigh, I cannot believe how many people have already asked that. I know I take the piss a little, but I wouldn’t put a bloke’s name on the front if it wasn’t really him. If you want know how I got someone this respected guy to do my foreword, let me just say I can be very persuasive with a crow bar when holding someone’s cat.
Self Published: Essentially this is published by Lulu, but there is no publisher pushing it. The English publishers thought it was too Australian, and the Australian publishers thought it was too International. So I just published it myself, as I think it is the dogs balls. The quality is good, but I do not believe it is quite a 100% professional quality book, more 90%, but at the same time I’m not printing these in my bathroom, Lulu is a professional printer. Why are you still reading this shit, buy the damn book already.