cricket with balls

I’m on the train to Headingley.

I think I’m about 2 hours away from Yorkshire.

Now for a normal side, I wouldn’t expect to arrive to much more than a late team change or injury.

What can I expect from Pakistan?

A bloodless coup of the captaincy brought out by chief cancer Shoaib Malik.

Malik tells Butt that as captain he gets a special car to the ground, but the car is driven by mercenaries hired by Malik and funded by Mark Thatcher.  Butt is driven to Warsaw and kept underground.  The press say he has fled due to the pressure of being captain (after receiving a tip from Malik).  While the PCB madly look for Butt, Malik graciously puts his hand up to step in if Butt is somehow not found.

Helicopters and Younis Khan.

The PCB feel nervous about the decision to give the job to Butt and at the last minute they call Younis Khan and tell him to get in the car waiting outside which will take him to a helipad.  From there he is flown in one of those helicopters with the double blade thingies all the way to Yorkshire, he lands at Boycott’s helipad and is whisked to the ground in time to make the toss. Unfortunately he is given Butt’s jacket for the toss, and it looks comically small on him.

The PCB decide not to play.

Ijaz Butt  takes a look at the team, the conditions, and the twin powerhouse of North and Watson and just decides not to play.  He releases a press statement, “Pakistan is a proud cricketing nation, but fuck that, this is shit.  We won’t win, we’ll probably be fucken awful.  I mean our captain averages like 30 in test cricket, our best two batsmen aren’t here and our last captain quit after 15 minutes.  I can’t really be bothered, and I’ve always thought Yorkshire was a shithole. So we’re going home, see you later.”

Or maybe something really crazy could happen.

Pakistan cricket is getting so nuts that if they all turn up to the ground and try hard with no shocks we’ll all feel cheated.