cricket with balls

I know Indian fans have been waiting a while for me to say this, but County Cricket is a cruel tyrant here to ruin the game of cricket.

How? Oh, I’ll tell you, but robbing us of arguably the ugliest spectacle of all time, but also giving just a taste of what could have been.

It all started when Lancashire’s latest gun recruit, the one the only King Kumar, had to pull out of their season due to other commitments. Knowing that there is no one human being who can replace Kumar’s cool easy elegance with bat, Lancs replaced him with two men.

Now that County Cricket only allows 1 international player (and 9 kolpaks) at any one time, the two replacement players were hired to fill in at different times in the season.

The players are, Simon the Krab Katich and Shivnarine the Chrab Chanderpaul.

On their own these are two men who scuttle and accumulate as good as any, but together, they could create a new super breed of cricketers.

Batsmen who play with such ugly and unconventional techniques that bowling them out would be more luck than design.  Ugliness would be the new black.

Watching them together would revolutionize English cricket, batsmen would no longer be taught to play according to the Lord’s play book.  They would be taught using the new crablike demeanors.

Young children would be given black tape for under their eyes before each innings.  Three balls in they would be encouraged to dive into the crease and not wipe the dirt off.  They would start to face square leg when the bowler came in.  The inside edge squirt to back ward sqaure leg would become the scoring shot of choice.  And all English batsmen would show the bowler leg stump as they scuttled across the crease to protect the corridor.

Shiv and Katich would inspire more young English players than Freddie, Ramps and Mushtaq combined.  Their tandem crabbing could move England to number one in the world test rankings.  Australia, India and South Africa would start sending cricketers to England just to study this new crabbing technioque that was under their eyes for years while they were watching Mark Waugh and VVS Laxman.

But County Cricket is denying their country this technology by not teaming up this super ugly team.  Instead Shiv shall Chrab a bit, then Kat will Krab a bit, and young English children will never know that right in front of their eyes was a technique that could have made them a future English Cricketer.  Because as well all know, one cricketer scuttling around the crease is not going to start any revolution.

Thanks, County Cricket, way to ruin these potential future crabs’ dreams.