cricket with balls

Fuck I hate these bastards. Always smiling and pretending to be the most pious cricket nation on earth, when we all know the truth. Cunts. I’d love to play against them every day of the week and strangle the life out of them. That accent too, and all the “bro” shit. I can’t stand it.

That is all bullshit, the real reason I hate New Zealand is way more personal. Years ago I was seeing a girl in Perth. She was great, a “good” Greek chick with a better than average knowledge of left arm wrist spin. We just clicked, we liked the same bands and hated the same films, she liked hairy chests, and she got free CDs as part of her job. We were seeing each other for about 3 months, and I thought she could be the one.

Then one night I was playing a day nighter against Tassie at the Waca. I made 32 off 40, and was striking them well. Everyone else was shit and we got rolled easy and they knocked off the runs quickly.

After the game I was supposed to meet her at some bar, but when I got there, I couldn’t see her anywhere. Eventually I got myself a beer and walked out to the back of the beer garden to replay my innings in my head. Instead I heard a girl squealing, and I thought I better investigate to see what the go was, either I’d see some nakedness, or I’d stop a rape.

The noise was coming from the car park just behind the skip, and I could hear two blokes chatting, both kiwis, and one chick making excitable noises. It sounded like a shit load of fun. I rushed around, careful not to spill a drop, and then I saw it, that ugly fucken scene, my girl, being sandwiched between two dirty bloody kiwi backpackers.

It was fucken horrible, put me off group sex for life (and I’m a bloody cricketer). It was like that bloody Chinese finger cuffs thing from that film. She was trapped in tight from both ends. I just dropped my beer, called her a whore and fucked right off. Never spoke to her again.

This was obviously years ago, and in many ways I am a different bloke now. Happily married, a fully-fledged member of the aussie side, and I don’t bowl wrist spin much anymore. But it still hurts, you know.

So I get my own back. Every time I play this vile country, I fucken grind em as much as I can. I want them to feel as much pain watching me bat as I did seeing them steal my chick. I want to fuck them like they fucked me.

That is why this latest hundred is my all time favourite knock. The slow strike rate, constant use of the inside edge, steady commitment to leg as many runs as I could and 279 sweet balls of graft and grind. I made them feel just as disgusted, sick and angry as I was back in Perth all those years ago.

It may not erase the past, but I feel better.

S Katich