cricket with balls

I assume you are an international or first class cricketer and that you’ve come here looking for tips on how to write a player diary. I’ve put together a cheat sheet for you. In it is all the basics you will need to make sure that book is so formulaic no sponsors will leave you.

- Employ a ghostwriter. Pick a writer who is not that famous but who is skilled as a ghostwriter. You obviously won’t want to sit down and write, that is for angry talentless people, so you need a ghostwriter. Find one who thinks you are great, and then sit down with him for two days. From there, the book writes itself.

- Teammates. All your teammates are great. Some might be out of form, but they train hard and will come back. Some might be in trouble with the law, but that donkey they fucked clearly consented before the group sex, and the boys obviously thought it was male. You can never put enough praise on them; after all, they are the greatest bunch of blokes you have played with, every single one of them. Use their nicknames as well; make us feel like part of the team.

- The media. They don’t really understand you. Even though your writer is part of the media, and you are talking to him now, you hate them all. They say you live in a bubble, but they do. They make things up, blow things out of proportion and end the career of hard working, hard living cricketers. Question their sexuality as well.

- Your Hotel. All fans of yours will really want to know every detail of your hotel.

- Ex-cricketers. The problem with ex-cricketers is that they forget about the pressure. You should really drill this home. Once a guy leaves cricket he will start to bag you, so bag the fucker back. If he says you are shit, question his record, or personal life. All ex-players turn evil (join the media), so abusing them is ok.

- Your family. Even if your wife and children are annoying fuckers, you must say you miss them at least thrice on every tour. Also put in some details about how much your kids have grown/changed/etc and how your wife is such a terrific wife.

- Famous people. If, during the period of the diary or near enough, you met someone famous in another field, include that, and then say really nice, but meaningless, things about meeting them. Then get them to write a boring meaningless foreword as well.

- Charity work. Even if the only charity you believe in is fucking the odd ugly fan, you cannot release a book about yourself without mentioning some charity work. The best charities should be about cricket and or cancer. If you can’t come up with one, I always thought a cricket testicular cancer charity called, “One short”, could work.
- Apologia. Think of the book as your chance to explain all of your actions. No one can interject or use logic to stop you, your book is one long explanation for everything you have done wrong, well, that others think you’ve done wrong.

- Opposition players. If there is an opposition player that pisses you off, don’t get snippy with them in a press conference, do it in your book. If you are particularly angry, it means free publicity.

- Praise the fans. This may surprise you, but most people in cricket don’t like you, so use your book to suck up to the fans. Start each chapter with, “the fans at (enter place name here) are some of the most passionate and informed fans in cricket.

- Your name. You are famous; your name will sell shit. Put it large on the cover, and ignore the ghostwriter. He is no one, you are a cricketer.