Recently Paul Harris came to me and asked that I tone down the vitriol I poured in his direction. I said that while I would love to love him that would not change the rest of the world’s thoughts on him. Paul looked confused, then he asked me what those thoughts are. I took a deep breath and said, “Basically, Paul, people think you are the worst bowler in the history of cricket to get wickets, some also think you have stupid highlights, others think you have a silly bowling action and some question whether you are a nice guy”.
Paul was taken back by this. “Surely some of them like me”. I nodded. “What do the ones who like me say?” I took a few minutes to think about it, but eventually I had to tell him that I couldn’t remember ever having a conversation with someone who like him. Paul was hurt, he knew he was not the most lovable guy on earth, but this sort of anger and resentment made him feel uncomfortable.
“Jarrod, I want this to change, people of this beautiful cricket community need to see that I am human, if you cut me do I not bleed runs. I want to feel the love. Why don’t you come down to my next psychological session and we’ll show the world what I am really made of. Paul Harris; uncut”.
I was uncomfortable with the very suggestion, but Paul’s puppy dog eyes turned me around, so I went down to listen to him on the couch. This is what I heard.
Counsellor: Paul, what is on your mind?
Paul: I don’t know where to start, yes I do, it happened again.
C: Trouble raising your right arm?
P: No, no, well yes, but I meant I took wickets and no one cared.
C: I see, how did that make you feel?
P: Distraught, heartbroken, sullen, morose, glum, pissed off. Just like all those years ago when I made the best ashtray in art class but the teachers overlooked me. It might not have been the prettiest, but it was dependable, had options for cigarettes or cigars, it did its job, but no one cared. They went for the ones with rainbows on them, not the grey one. What parent cares about rainbows, they just want to put their fags in a safe place while they have a drink. I was just a little boy who had made a perfectly dependable ashtray, why couldn’t they accept me for me.
C: Interesting, perhaps in this game your wickets weren’t that important in the scheme of things so the press and fans, while respectful of you, had to praise others more.
P: SachinTendulkar? Dhoni, twice. Come on, Doc, these are the main men. Sure Steyn did some damage, but without me helping out there would have been a lot of graft. I was the icing on his cake. It has always been this way, one day my brother made a table for my mother, it was a great table, sturdy, conventional, reliable, but it needed something, a sand down and a few coats of varnish. I did that; I turned this table into the centrepiece of our dining room. Sure he cut the wood, made the measurements and put the thing together, but without the polish it was just a huge hunk of wood. When my mother saw it she loved it so much she bought my brother a car, a car, can you believe that. Do you know what she got me, a cassingle of some muppet covering MC Hammer. I mean come on. Story of my life.
C: Have you ever considered that you bring this on with a victim’s mentality?
P: I’m no victim. Couldn’t be further from it. I’m a survivor, the rest of the world runs up the stairs, but I run for the nearest house. I am someone young kids should want to put on the wall and pray to at night. I ain’t no extra baby, I’m a leading man. People should want to be me, not want to punch me. I want to suckle at the teat of…
C: That is all we have time for.
P: Oh, man, already?
Paul came to me after the session finished and asked what I thought. I was still a bit shocked by it all, so I told him it was an illuminating experience. He looked happy with me, but he asked that no matter how this piece worked out, that I finish on a positive note.
Harris’ test bowling average is 33.41, which is 0.61 runs more per wicket than Abdul Qadir.
Even with your literary skill and it is hard to enjoy even reading about Paul Harris. Everything was funny, but I wished it was about someone else.
super jrod, you create your own style of writing. :D
hahaha DB, paul harris will be mad. He is telling everyone , everyone thinks he is useless bowler. i do think though he is better than useless hauritz. i used to think rp singh used to get wickets when batsman get bored and throw their wicket away all his bad balls. ( he only bowl bad balls). Hauritz is monotonous boring bowler
Paul harris atleast interesting. He is kinda feisty. Brainy type. He just want to tell the world he does take wickets and he does a role in the team and not freeloader like all indian bowlers.
Aaaah.. Alex likes it. Mission accomplished!
“super jrod, you create your own style of writing.” memorable!
.-= Mock Wah´s last blog ..DLF IPL 3.0 – Shane Warne, Royals & Vastu Shastra =-.
Harris is a half decent bowler, but his face annoys me. Bit like Siddle and Bollinger. Bollinger in particular has a slappable face.
Let’s see.
Fact #1 : Nobody likes Paul Harris. Not even his own mother. Nobody likes an excellent, funny, witty and out-of-the-world column you wrote about Paul Harris. I split my sides with laughter, but I don’t “like” this post because it’s about Paul Harris.
Fact #2 : alex likes this column. Nobody likes alex. Not even it’s own mother.
Ergo. alex = Paul Harris
Well said Horatius, well said.
That sounds like a wizards name.
When you have a national side that always insists on playing seamers that cant better 33.41 [Broad and Anderson for instance] it can make you look differently at Lurch like misfits like Harris.
So wrong horatius – I fucking love Paul Harris! [In a sisterly kind of way you understand...but there I have said it! I may have had a few rum punches this evening...so what?]
Have I screwed up you readership profile Jrod?
.-= SixSixEight´s last blog ..Synth Boy and his Backing Band =-.
Harris has mommy issues.
.-= Rishabh´s last blog ..Euthanised =-.
Paul Harris is awsome. He can spin better than bhajji and mishra combined and have better brain than my puppets like horatius…etc :D
My puppets are back. Hurray. What happen to sachin chokedular , that mother fucker do not want to bat at number 3 for the team cause. Sachin is a selfish whore. :D
Lolz @ Horatius, well said man. What Rishabh said proves it — because Alex clearly has mommy issues too.
Paul Harris; uncut? Perhaps employing a mohel to perform a bris might make him more popular
Josh, nobody has a more slappable face than Siddle, that is a proven scientific fact.
Nice piece, JRod, on Paul Harris! It’s amazing how you manage to actually have a good message, considering the fact that, on the cover, it looks as if there’s shit from a dog which ate some nuclear waste!
BTW, is it just me or does Paul Harris look like someun’ who’s had some weed? :S
.-= Thiru Cumaran´s last blog ..Change of Nickname =-.
Paul Harris may not be such a boring bowler, but close association with some of the SA players is bound to make any man excruciatingly painful to watch. The lineup speaks for itself: Smith , Prince , Amla , and Kallis.
MartDawg…..
I have to respectfully disagree, whilst i acknowledge that Siddle is eminently slappable, in a way that few others are, just go and look at Bollinger’s face again…..look how squashy and stupid it is, and tell me you still want to slap Siddle more!
.-= Josh´s last blog ..Has English cricket "missed its chance"? =-.
Sorry to break the flow, just came to know about a terror attack in Pune. Have a dirty feeling this could be targeted at IPL. :( Have to learn to live with these sickos just like the troll in these columns. God bless!
cb
Without being disrespectful by directing people to ESPN Cricinfo, that piece that Christian Ryan did on Abdul Qadir last week was worth reading…
http://www.cricinfo.com/magazine/content/story/447092.html
Gigi, It was a great piece, one of my great regrets is not watching qadir in one of those club matches.
Why stop at pune? May be IPL3 will be cancelled. Pak policy is bleed indian to death through terror. So nuke war is around the corner. Super. :D
or put all indian muslims in jail. Not happening. So nuke war is real possibility. i think india can solve pak problem divide itself small and create indian union. That way each small country can take care of its security easily.
Sachin went to Eden groundsman and asked spinning wicket. Groundsman told if you are sachin teh master batsman , you should play in any type of pitch. Well said groundman.
Indians are so afraid of one man steyn they want flattest pitch and shave off all grass. I still think SA will beat india again!. Because i do not think indian bowling can take 20 wickets. if SA bats first it will be same story nothing will be changed , if indian bats first and still SA wins , it will shut up sachin chokedulkar followers for a while.
Until i see athletes (except God ofcourse) in indian team , indian team is useless junk trash.
The legend of Harris being a shit faced loser goes on…
I think there’s some confusion here between annoyingly slappable and ugly – in the manner of ‘if my dog had a face like that that I’d shave his arse and make him walk backwards’ ugly.
Sids and Bolly have both been hit hard with the ugly stick, no question, but only Doug falls into the possibly slappable catagory and then only sometimes. Harris is not really classically ugly but that haircut, that voice and that look definitely make one rub ones palms together in anticipation of a good slap.
As an example to demonstrate this, Stuart Broad could, in the right light, be considered sort of good looking but he certainly easily qualifies for slappable. As does Matthew Hayden, who although not likely to get the call up from Storm anytime soon, would look normal enough in a still photo taken from the right angle but really makes my wrists twitch, especially when he opens his mouth. Sreesanth could be in a second rate reality telly type boy band but just asks for the big back lift as demonstrated by that paragon of virtue, Bhaji.
KP falls firmly into both camps. That – ‘my parents smoked too much’ underbite and piggy little eyes combine with an egotistical mouth and sartorial sense to easily make the grade.
UncleJ!! Your commenters are in a class of their own. This spontaneous round-table on slappability Is pure awesome.
If I could compare them to something, it would be to a fine pair of Italian leather with a little dogshit on it’s sole. That would be you alex. Or a Mercedes s-class with some mud on it.
Now, my vote for slappability goes to Sreesanth. There may be many that are more slappable, but he’s the only only one that managed to get himself slapped. On a cricket field no less.
I had a moment of clarity about Harris today when he was batting. He came out with his team’s situation in tatters, AB has just been run out and they’ve scored something like 40 runs for their last six wickets, and out Harris comes chewing gum like Harvey Keitel. But he came off as hard as Richard Simmons. Then he proceeded to lose a staring out contest with an out of form 21 year old, and proceeded to lost his wicket.
But the moment of clarity was: he’s a fucking bullfrog. Chewing that gum, that’s all I saw.
It was interesting to see as a postscript to that, that when a bullfrog attacks its prey, it has its eyes closed.
Gigi, that reminds me a bit of Owais Shah – same deal, chews gum as though it’s done him a great personal wrong, and then leaps around like a cat on a hot tin roof for a bit before getting himself out.
Maybe it was the daunting combination of Zaheer’s comments and Ishant’s staring that brought Harris down? I’d love to have heard that post-match conversation:
“Paul, why the f*** did you get out like that?”
“He wouldn’t stop LOOKING at me!”
.-= reina´s last blog ..The grudge match that wasn’t =-.
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