cricket with balls

When I was young I watched every crap American family sitcom there was.

Other than knowing which sitcom the teenwolf actors came from and remembering Leonardo DiCaprio’s early start in growing pains, it has not served me well.

So I would like to thank Kamran and Umar for giving me a reason to revisit those times.

You may have seen this on cricinfo already, but this is the uncut balls version.

INT. FAMILY HOUSE – DAY

A jolly tune plays with a friendly voice singing about families as we see a woman, MRS AKMAL, being pushed into the house by a man, MR AKMAL.

MRS AKMAL

Ah, it is good to be home.

MR AKMAL

Glad to have you back.

Two youngsters run down the stairs, UMAR AND KAMRAN, they are slapping each other and yelling.

KAMRAN

Your back is sore.

UMAR

My back is fine.

KAMRAN

You’re lying.

UMAR

You’re dropped.

They run straight past their mother, who sticks out her leg and trips both of them. They fall on top of each other and then start fighting.

Mrs Akmal grabs them by their ears and drags them up.

MRS AKMAL

How about giving your poor mother a kiss then?

Both boys lean in and kiss Mrs Akmal and she lets go of their ears.

MRS AKMAL (CONT’D)

That is much better, now what is all this madcapped behaviour about.

Both boys stare at the floor.

UMAR & KAMRAN

Nuffin.

MRS AKMAL

It doesn’t seem like nothing. Kamran, is this about the 4 dropped catches…

MR AKMAL

(interjecting)

And the missed run out.

MRS AKMAL

And the missed run out.

Kamran shrugs.

UMAR

It totally is, the team dropped him, and now he wants me to pretend to be hurt.

KAMRAN

Shut up, knucklehead.

MRS AKMAL wheels herself over to Kamran, slowly, and lovingly puts a hand on his face, and then grabs him by the ear.

MRS AKMAL

What is wrong with you, is it not enough you have ruined your career with 4 dropped catches.

MR AKMAL

(interjecting)

And the missed run out.

MRS AKMAL

And the missed run out. But now you are trying to ruin your brothers life as well. He is still a young boy of only 23 years of age, 19 in Pakistani Cricket years, and you want to drag him down because of 4 dropped catches.

MR AKMAL

(interjecting)

And.

MRS AKMAL

(interjecting and yelling)

THE RUN OUT, we know.

Kamran breaks free of the ear hold.

KAMRAN

Mom, you don’t understand, wicket keeping at test match level is really hard. There are cameras, and crowds, plus Misbah never shuts up.

Mrs Akmal gestures for Kamran to come over.

MRS AKMAL

I know, come here.

Kamran hesitantly walks over and Mrs Akmal strokes him.

MRS AKMAL (CONT’D)

I am so sorry, are you ok, you poor boy. It isn’t like I

(yelling)

JUST HAD A HEART ATTACK. Is test keeping harder than a heart attack?

Kamran shakes his head as best he can with his ear being held.

MRS AKMAL (CONT’D)

Exactly.

Mrs Akmal notices that there is a glass on her coffee table.

MRS AKMAL (CONT’D)

Why is that glass not on a coaster?

KAMRAN

Muhammad did it.

MRS AKMAL

Oh really, why is it that this Muhammad does all this stuff and I never see it.

KAMRAN

Well if we showed Muhammad, or a character purporting to be Muhammad, we would probably all be killed.

MRS AKMAL

Then why mention him at all.

KAMRAN

For the laughs.

Mrs Akmal tugs on Kamran’s ear, Umar giggles, and she grabs his too.

MRS AKMAL

(to Umar)

You, stop fighting with your brother and go play that test in Hobart.

(to Kamran)

You, stop complaining and go and work on your keeping, because I don’t ever want to see you drop four catches again.

MR AKMAL

(interjecting)

And the…

Mrs Akmal drops the boys ears and rolls over to Mr Akmal and chases him around the room.

MRS AKMAL

Say it again. Say it again! I dare ya, I double dare ya, you knucklehead! Say it one more stupid time.

Kamran and Umar laugh as his mother rides around the room trying to knock over their father.

FADE TO BLACK.

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