cricket with balls

Thanks for the memories IOB.

You know the name, but barely.  You’ve seen him on the telly, but never in real life.

Then he comes to your attention.

TheIOB

“Some Queensland fucktard just called me a fagot, is it the highlights in my hair? LOL. #testcricketershavefeelingstoo”

From that moment onwards you follow him, you want to know what he knows.

“Hey peeps, you should see my ass in these perfect jeans I bought. #testcricketerlookingsexyindenim”

Unfortunately the man tells him to tone it down.

NZC

“We don’t mind our players telling people about the day’s play, but we object to Iain’s descriptions of his ass #testcricketispure”

It doesn’t slow him down though; the man wants the world to know stuff.

TheIOB

“Got Ricky Ponting out today, he had a strop. Fuck him. #testcricketertemptingfate”

Sometimes he gives you a rare insight into what it is like to be a test cricketer.  You can’t believe how much info he gives.

TheIOB

“I got locked out of the house again. #testcricketerisasillybilly”

You follow him from afar at first, keeping your distance, but he draws you in by giving you the juicy insights you crave.

TheIOB

“Yesterday Mitchell Johnson tried to take my head off, it is a shame, because he is way hot #testcricketermancrush”

Iain tries to tone down the raw sexuality, but you can still sense it. Every time you see his highlights bouncing into the wicket your orifices all open in sexual arousal.

TheIOB

“Look at this photo of my feet. #testcricketfetish”

People call him a journeyman and a medium paced plodder, but you see so much more.

THEIOB

“Am in the groove at the moment, I’m the Jon Bon Jovi of into the wind bowling #testcricketismusic

His pace is up, he is getting wickets, and now people are talking about him.  You keep your lust to yourself though, you like that he is your dirty little secret, your chatty little fast medium bowling man.

TheIOB

“Am so lonely tonight, fucken Scotland, anyone want to chat? #testcricketereneedslove”

You try to ignore the tweet, but you are drawn to it. After an hour staring straight at it, you direct message Iain. It is the moment that your love affair starts. While it isn’t real sex, the passion, the force, the masculinity of the man sweeps you off your feet.

TheIOB

“Feeling better now, and I owe it all to my special fans #happiertestcricketer

Your cyber twitter sex is freaking awesome.  He likes it rough too.

TheIOB

“Pull on my piercing, it is right below my nipples, I like it to hurt, like Sehwag hurt me in Hamilton. #odishurttoo”.

Your favourite moments are when he takes it slow, real slow.

TheIOB

“That is it, baby. Like how I batted against Sri Lanka with Dan, me and dan, slowly, slowly #sexytestflashbacks.”

While you should be in love with other more famous cricketers, flashier guys who win awards and IPL contracts, but it is Iain’s brand of medium fast swinging balls that make you go wild.

Then, just as you are ready to commit fully, he pulls the plug.

TheIOB

“I am no longer test cricket’s greatest cricket blogger, spending more time with the wife #rememberyourfirsttestblogger

You try not to cry, but the pain is too much. Test match blogging just lost its hero. You lost the hardest working cyber lover you have ever had.

TheIOB

“The Panthers take on the Sharks today, wish me luck #countycricket”

To read IOB’s literary debut, go here.