Australia beat India in the first one dayer of the Invisible seven match series.
They seemed to have the game in hand until a special partnership from Harbhajan Singh and Praveen Kumar, two boys with a lack of self-confidence.
Australia still managed to win the game, but not all Australians were happy.
Opposition leader Malcolm Turnbull had this to say.
“What the fuck was that rot? Shane Watson has got to be the most useless fuckmuppet on this planet. And Siddle, why on fucken earth would you bowl around the wicket, Stuart Broad is not a fucker to be copied. But Ricky, fucken Ricky, unless Brett Lee’s arm was lying on the ground twitching you would never keep giving the ball to Shane FUCKEN Watson at that point in the game.
At the time I suspected there was something odd going on, but then I received a call from an unidentified mole that told me that told me something was rotten in the state of Denmark. After re-watching the end of the game, and in light of this phone call, it has become clear to me, and any right thinking Australian, that Ricky Ponting and the Australian cricket team tried to throw this game, unsuccessfully.
No team trying to win a game of cricket would continually throw the ball to Shane Watson. And then to instruct him to bowl wide full tosses, obvious match fixing. Put this together with the fact Lee was good enough to be out on the field, that James Hopes had overs left and that Siddle was bowling around the wicket hit me balls and their can be no other conclusion one can come to that does not amount to them throwing the match.
I demand that Kevin Rudd calls for a full independent inquiry starting straight away.
In the mean time Ricky Ponting must step down as captain.”
Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd had a different take.
“Did he actually say Watson was a fuckmuppet? Oh, ok. Sorry, matching fixing. Well I think anyone in Australia who saw this game will know that Malcolm has got this terribly, utterly and completely wrong. Ricky and his boys were obviously giving their all for this nation. Bad form can happen to anyone at anytime. I am not immune, and neither is Ricky. He probably made some bad calls, but I trust in him and his Australianess way. I think Malcolm is trying to turn this into a political potato, and that just won’t fly.
Although I also think Shane Watson is a bit of a fuckmuppet. “
All quotes were given to cricket with balls directly from Turnbull and Rudd, we have their numbers on speed dial.
Based on the complete shithouseness of closing out last nights’ performance, coupled with the awesomeness of NSWales in the T20, I propose the following changes:
1. Simon Katich in for Cameron White, and made captain
2. Marsh out for David Warner. What’s the point of having a 12th man who can’t field?
3. Watson to not bowl at the death
4. Mike Hussey to be rebranded as a 50 over specialist
5. Matthew Mott to become head coach and selector
With Hopes’ hamstring injury Moises Henriques may be a viable replacement. Who would have thought that before the Champions League?
You have wonder what Wilson Tuckey said about Watson if Turnbull called him a fuckmuppet.
Moses,
I’d amend that to Twatto not to bowl at all. Or bat. I know he took 2 wickets but he has to go. Cos, he is not only a fuckmuppet, but a bunny for the whole of India now. He’s set himself up for the rest of the series.
And I know it’s a left-field notion, but how about choosing players with Current Form? get rid of Voges, It’s not his fault, he’s been 12th man forever, but this isn’t the time to rebuild his confidence again, Ditto Marsh.
Pointless took a one-bounce catch and did not appeal – clinching evidence jrod.
Best two teams in the world my right arse! What a bunch of mediocre losers (save Hussey, who should refuse to participate on aesthetic grounds). The Aussies looked so lost (Ponting clueless? no!) they even neglected to abuse and spit and appeal with anglo-saxon self-righteous certitude, and in general display those wonderful cultural traits that endear them to us all. Or have they discontinued the prestigious Steven Waugh Chair of Abuse and Appeal at the Australian Coaching Academy?
And the Indians – I think its about time we implement the Modi-Pawar Method – India shall be deemed winners if they bat first and last the 50 overs (since who the fuck wants to see them bowl and field anyway), or if they bat second and get to within 70% of the Aussie total (its surely raining somewhere, isn’t it). And Ponting will be provided a 50 sheet print-out of possible scenarios which he MUST refer to at the end of each over, with the assistance of Shaun Pollock.
@Steve, Watson had figures of 6 overs, 2/25. I don’t know much about the batsmen he dismissed, are Tendulkar and Dhoni any good?
@joges, I’m not convinced about India but I’d put Oz as easily the best team in the world. We’ve held the Word Cup for 12 years, just won a champions trophy and have won 13 of our last 14 matches. Not too shabby…
Moses,
getting a few names out doesn’t mean much, when you consider that Cameron White got Tendulkar out last visit, but was not much use otherwise as a bowler. Lots of nobodies get Tendulkar and Ponting out, once. So what? does that make Tendulkar and Ponting their bunnies?
But it wasn’t bowling badly once or twice, it was for 6 balls, a shocker each time.
Where was his brain? Stuffed into his biceps? He gave India a mental edge and showed up a major weakness of ours. But you can bet that Tendlukar and dhoni won’t lose sleep over being dismissed by him!
Twatto was bowling well and then lost it at the end because he took that little break at home for two weeks instead of playing in the Champions T20 whatsit. Cricketers play best when they keep playing cricket. It stops them from thinking too much. He started thinking too much – he was thinking, ‘don’t chuck pies’ and what happened? Chucked pies.
Moses,
Watson was extremely disappointing – fatigue obviously. His bowling was overall crappy, not just the last over. Like Ishant he’s lost his bite (though Ishant was looking much better than in the recent past.).
Yeah, Aussies are still the best team, but not convincingly. They look very beatable. The last 3 world cups are irrelevant to this teams condition.
who gives a fuck whether it was fixed or not. i would rather not know.
All it has done is given weight to the theory that 11 angry Indians and Shane Watson can beat any team in the world…
Apparently there was a bet near the end of the 48th over between Paine, Hauritz and Watto about whether he could bowl a yorker near the return crease in his next over. If he could, then the two lads would help Shane in his quest to publicly bag Brett Lee at any opportunity, if he couldn’t, the two lads could spit roast Lee Furlong.
Am I the only one or is Ravi Shastri the most annoying person to have drawn breath, ever? Certainly the most annoying to comment on a cricket match. I imagine he has a little book of cliches, one chapter for when they done good and one for when they is shit. He goes through the list one at a time whilst pretending to be the cricketer he is speaking about.
Ricky wanted to do that and he put that man out there….
OK, he might have some idea of what a person is thinking but he appears to believe he has a direct line to their thinking. Apart from this, none of his comments appear to have anything to do with what I am watching, save for the fact that it is cricket and something good/bad just happened.
Ha, ha, ha.
Watson bowled very well till he didn’t. But when he was crap, he was so crap it was laughable. How can anyone bowl that many high full tosses in one over?
All power to Bhaji’s elbow, his habitual rancour of attitude stands him in excellent stead in tight spots with the bat.
And, it was a treat watching another player fall for Mitch’s slow ball. It is very funny watching them pull up too late and seeing ‘fuck’ written across their faces while still in the middle of their last shot of the day. Considering Mitch is one of the flakiest players going, he has the odd real gun ball in his arsenal.
Andrew MacDonald in the team for Hopes. They should have tried him before now anyway and his bowling should be suited to Indian conditions.
While it’s clear that Shane Watson is something of a fuckmuppet and that no side could allow a game so obviously “in the bag” to slip away like that unless it was intentional, will Jrod now stand up and admit that Hauritz isn’t so bad?
You know you want to …
wow, all this hate for watson… shouldn’t even bat hey steve, is this the same watson who made back to back centuries a match ago? the same one who averages 50 with the bat and 22 with ball this year in one dayers?
all this hate for watto for one bad over, but no hate for siddle’s 8 bad overs or marsh’s ridiculously bad fielding (why is he 12th man if he cannot field?)