cricket with balls

After the Old Trafford 2020 game was called off we called Lancashire’s Jim Cumbes to talk about the game. Some guy answered his phone, I can only assume it was Jim.

CWB: Hi Jim, shame about the rain.

Jim: Rain my ass, those blood umpire faggots ruined this, I’ve ‘ad more rain indoors than this.

CWB: Whoa Jim, there must have been some rain. I saw umbrellas.

Jim: We don’t use umbrellas oop ‘ere lad. They were from t’South, they were.

CWB: The ground was wet though, you can’t deny that.

Jim: No wetter than my arse after Ah’ve bin splashed by t’toilet water after a good shit. You southern jessies wouldn’t know rain if Ah pissed on you.

CWB: Fair enough. What about the run ups, they looked shit house?

Jim: Just a bit o’ sweatin’ from’t covers, nowt t’ be frettin’ about.

CWB: Sweating? It was wetter than Jordan in front of the Paparazzi; you have to do better than that.

Jim: Come on lad, sweatin’. This was a playable game. Ah once played a game where t’pitch had pooddles on it and t’run ups were made of ice cream, no one whinged they just got on with it.

CWB: So you think this was fit for an international game of cricket.

Jim: International, probably not, but for Northern lads, aye. My boys could’ve played in this against them scumbags from over t’Pennines without complainin’.

CWB: Surely not.

Jim: Sure would’ve. We’d've played cricket nekked in t’ mud at night if t’ ECB let us.

CWB: So you think the umpires, and not the obviously leaky covers had anything to do with this cancellation?

Jim: Leaky covers my arse, lad. That ground were fitter than Catherine Zeta Jones in High Fidelity.

CWB: Thanks for talking to us Jim.

Jim: Aye, lad.