cricket with balls

Lord’s. Ashes. Last Night’s Pizza. This day has it all. If you want to talk about the fantastic cricket Entertainment the birth place of Gin soaked sunburnt wankers has provided leave a comment. Once the game starts this page is set to reload every couple of minutes or so.

Warne and technology prove an uncomfortable partnership.

Hauritz is bowling medium pace.

Not sure what the idea of that over was.

And lunch.

Well batted England, yes they batted on a Keira, but they still had to put away all the bad balls, and that can be tiring.

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Siddle starts with an unplayable ball. Of all the Australian bowlers he is the one who has looked least likely not to get a wicket. If you know what I mean.

“Harmison must be breathing a sigh of relief at missing out – a lucky escape, considering the pitch.” Dave. I think Australia would like to play him on his.

Two men on the leg side, Siddle gets on the stumps, Cook gets it to the rope.

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Strauss sweeps one for four.

Another sweep, another 4.

According to the Guardian this is English cricket fans:

“Merchant bankers; young men from City law firms getting “bladdered”; a few “anoraks” who can afford the outrageous ticket prices you have to pay for a ticket to a Test match. Lord’s is also famously blessed with MCC members, a crusty collection of public-school bores who nab all the best seats and wear outlandishly coloured ties and blazers.“

Which one are you?

Warne isn’t happy with the field, it is an odd one.

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A right arm bowler comes around the wicket to a left hander, and Ricky thinks, only two fielders on the leg side.

Fuck that.

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Decent over from hauritz, nothing special.

Just to prove I am now an expert on off spin, here is an excerpt from this week’s Barnes Bugle:

“With their remaining opener nurdling to 49, the game was slithering away from Barnes until a spirited fightback lead by spin-king Kimber the Timber.
He somehow extracted variable bounce from the pudding pitch and started to get turn. The happy Harrow boys fell silent for the first time as wickets fell and Moolman picked up an astonishing catch between his shins.”

Whole spell was bowled with the wettest cricket ball I have ever used. Leg spin was not an option.

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Haddin has missed dropped three balls in an over and a ball. My god man, you have gloves on.

“It is almost as if the groundsman prepared this pitch with Andrew McDonald in mind” Poopsie. I always have AM on my mind.

Siddle fires a bouncer a mile down leg side, for the first time Haddin had no chance.

Australia have lost the plot.

“4 byes? harsh on the backstop but fek ‘im !!!!” Apples.

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Nathan Hauritz is God.

And he is on.

Now that I have taken 3/52 bowling off spin, I realise how fucken easy off spin is.

Warne is talking up McGain, good man Warne.

Typical Hauritz over, not much happened.

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“man sky is pathetic. when memories of 2005 would not suffice, they show a scorecard from fucking 1934. the english would never win until they stop looking at the fucking past. ” KK.

Cook brings up a 50 from an edge/steer to third man. Off only 73 balls, Mitch should be proud, look at the strike rate he got cook to.

Next ball Siddle balls a top delivery, and Cooks misses it and Haddin drops it.

“Has there even been an appeal yet – Haddin not withstanding?” Poopsie. Edge to second slip. And that is all.

Siddle bowls another great one, Cook leaves it and it almost takes off stump with it, and Haddin is so excited he refuse to stop the ball.

Best over of the match, Cook pads up, it is not out, but it is worth a shout.

Siddle is looking hot here.

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Mitch drops short, which on this pitch is likeing steve waugh a question he doesn’t want to here.

Time for Mike Hussey to bowl.

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“Can we sue someone for false advertising?  Where is this all-rounder with the combined skill of Miller, Sobers and Botham?   Where he be?  Who’s this shitty left-armer who makes Mark Illott look good?” Chris. I’m more a pitch fork kind of guy. Let me at Mitchell and I’ll fix/kill him.

I shit you not they have changed bowlers, AGAIN. Siddle on now. What is Ricky doing?

That wasn’t a bad over from Siddle. He looks a bit more controlled than he was at Cardiff.

Doesn’t look like taking a wicket, but none of them do.

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Mitch is still on, purely for comedy effect you’d imagine.

“hilfenhaus has got the right idea. he will just bore them to death with that steady line and length. of course boring cook and strauss to death would take so long there would be no world left to witness it” KK.

I am whsipering this, but Mitchell is bowling a much better over.

Half volley on leg stump, 4.

Apparently I whispered too loudly.

And a short one, a pull shot, a worried look from Mitch, 4.

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Strauss greets Hilfy with a limp wristed pull shot off a full ball.He misses it.

“Clark must be wondering about karma, not to be bowling here, and watching this rubbish. Siddle and Hilfie are nice enough bowlers on their day, but not for Lords, Not for the big guns.” Steve. You’re right, it’s Hilfenhaus and Siddle that are bowling rubbish…

Hilfy is now just hitting a length, nothing else to do out here.

“Hey did you know Boycott met Siddle’s parents at Cardiff? That’s the 4th time I’ve heard him tell the story now, so guess they must ave been proud as punch” Bumble met them too. The whores.

65/0

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Mitch on again.

Ricky is like a coked up teenager with a new iphone here.

And he drops one short, which is cut for four, and cut and paste that for the next ball.

Say what you want about Mitch, he is the most entertaining part of this first session.

“did anyone else think flintoff looked injured even in the coming up batsmen segment they did with all of them walking to the screen?” KK. Yes. And that someone had digitally altered all the heights so that everyone is the same height. Unless Matt Prior is 6’5

That was a good ball from Mitch. Wow.

One more short one, Mitch gets away with it.

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An American girl likes test cricket. It is saved.

“Does anyone keep records for the number of bowling changes made in the first session of a test match? I can’t keep up with this.” Chris. The most changes with the fewest amount of bowlers.

Can I just say I was at the MCC meeting the other day and they were all talking about how the want to make test cricket better and all that shit. Bullshit. This pitch is made for entertaining test cricket. Stick your pink balls up your ass if this is what you are going to prepare for us. I’m going to write a letter to someone. Henry Rollins perhaps.

Nothing happened that over.

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This is not a pitch, it’s a platter.

Siddle drops one short, because this is clearly the wicket for that, and Cook miss hits a pull shot in the air but safe.

57/0

Drinks.

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Hilfy comes back on. Is Mitch the most expensive change bowler in history?

“This now qualifies as a “flyer”.Give Kattich a bowl!” Stu.

I’m not sure I am even watching the cricket. Even when Strauss and Cook get off to a good start it does bore me.

Andrew McDonald on the field, lock up your daughters.

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“This pitch is shite. Rain-affected draw. Feels like 1953 all over again.” D Charlton. Just talked to Neil Harvey, he says the wicket had a bit more seam early on.

Siddle is keeping the runs down here.

Doesn’t look like getting a wicket.

He keeps searching for something and eventually puts it full and wide and Strauss helps himself through covers.

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Oh Ricky. He has brought Mitch back on, I assume to change ends with Siddle, but is that one over out of the attack enough for him.

Mitch slips one by Cook, it didn’t seem to move at all.

Cook edges one through gully to the rope.

“Not the way you want to start your first test at HQ, with the inbred hobbit dragging you off after four overs” Chris. Especially when his wet hands touch you.

Not a bad over compared to the shit of the rest.

PAUL HARRIS IS THE 8TH RANKED BOWLER IN THE WORLD. KILL EVERYONE YOU LOVE. THE END IS COMING.

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“Why is it that every time there is an improtant series, the Aussie spearhead tends to start having family problems. (Brett Leeagainst India and now Mitch)” DM. Lee’s one was actually before a one day series against Bangladesh.

Hilfy has worked out this is like the tracks of Hobart, invented to kill bowlers, and he has slipped into a comfortable line.

maiden.

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“This pitch looks like as lifeless as Neil Harvey” Poopsie. Was it better in your day…

Never doubt my influence, Peter Sizzle is on.

He starts with a marshmallow short ball.

Siddle might be wondering when he will turn up on a wicket that anyone would like to bowl on.

Average first over.

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“Do you get the feeling Mitchell Johnson is really worried about what his Mum is going to do next.” Stu. Aren’t we all.

Cook plays a handy pull shot off a not so short ball.

England look more confident now.

Ricky, have you go your blackberry on? Take Mitch off, and stop spitting in your fucken hands.

39/0

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Maybe I was wrong about Mitch, that last one was 93 clicks.

Or I was right. Next one is a half tracker outside off stump and Strauss queue ends with through covers for 4.

He has the pace now, but he is everywhere. On the pads and Strauss clips it for another 4.

England is only scoring at one end.

And he fires one down the legside.

Get him off for fucks sake.

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Cook waves his bat outside off stump, he doesn’t do that often… He gets a 4.

First runs off HIlfy.

Ricky gambles with a 2nd gully instead of a 3rd slip and Cook (playing away from his body) nicks one that Ricky was a little slow on, but even if he went quickly it might have been out of his grasp. Top over.

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A bouncer, the game has a pulse.

Wide, short and shit from Mitch and Strauss slaps that away, Mitchell has the face of someone who has just founds his car keys after an exhaustive search.

On the pads Strauss flips one through, two catching men on the leg side but that was safe enough.

Mitchell needs a break already.

15/0

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That was another over.

7/0

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Can we start the game now.

7/0

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Was that swing i see before me?

Hilfy is just holding his line or slightly coming back now.

Cook plays an angled bat dab to square leg. Have seen that shot many times before from Cook.

Maiden.

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Mitch is on, thought they might be tempted to bowl Siddle up front, he is the better new new ball bowler.

He almost starts with an accidental wicket as he gets one on Cook’s pads and he hits it in the air behind square for four.

One top ball in the over, like hilfy’s over, except with runs.

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Hilfy to start, interesting, Johnson at first change?

Strauss facing up.

Warne in the box.

Hilfy bowled that as slow as he could.

And then a real ball, much better.

After 5 balls of warm up Hilfy squirts one off the seam and Strauss misses it.

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Teams as stolen from cricinfo. Montybot out, Onions in.

England team

AJ Strauss*, AN Cook, RS Bopara, KP Pietersen, PD Collingwood, MJ Prior†, A Flintoff, SCJ Broad, GP Swann, JM Anderson, G Onions

	Australia team
PJ Hughes, SM Katich, RT Ponting*, MEK Hussey, MJ Clarke, MJ North, BJ Haddin†, MG Johnson, NM Hauritz, BW Hilfenhaus, PM Siddle

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Welcome to the coverage of the ANdrew Flintoff memorial game.

I have my knee and ankle braces on, and have coloured a small patch of my hair a different colour.