Today, I am answering letters from distressed cricketers, with compassion and kindness.
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Dear Mims
I tried to keep my cool, not like last year when I got in an understandable strop and flung my bat across the boundary rope when some cheat claimed a grounded catch, but it hurts so much.
And, and, my team don’t get to play in the superleague thingy because of a few individuals ruining it for everyone.
I just want the chance to wear the lid of a trophy on my head again. How do I get through this painful episode?
From KeyMan of Kent
Dear KeyMan of Kent
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Dear Mims
I’ve just won a trophy with my county and am very excited.
However, a couple of people started saying that I wear eyeliner and mascara and now everyone is teasing me about it. It’s embarrassingly emasculating.
How do I bring my manliness back?
From FEC AC
Dear FEC AC
Secondly, if you wear very dark brown instead of black, you’ll find it looks a lot more natural.
Very few people have the colouring to get away with jet black eye makeup. If you were Asian you might be able to, but then people would start describing you as “wristy” and you strike me as the sensitive sort who would take this the wrong way and think it was a masturbation joke.
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Dear Mims
It all started with my kids trying to get me to decline it so that I could be eligible for Australia, although I think they were just cross at missing their trip to Alton Towers; I know I’m never going to get a call up for Australia because I don’t have an Australian passport.
I performed ok on debut, I thought. I mean, I never said I’d be Ajantha Mendis or anything.
But I now wonder whether I was a means to an end to ease out the captain, who I’ll be honest didn’t really seem to like me. I feel so used.
From Dandy Roofer
Dear Dandy Roofer
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Dear Mims
But I’ve got an England tattoo. I’ve married an English girl. I drink tea and warm beer. I now know to say barbecue instead of braai.
I’ve tried everything, right down to the No.1 haircut and flashy jewellery that my friends assured me would make me fit in on any British high street. What on earth can I do?
Captain Fantastic
Dear Captain Fantastic
Cry in public. Cry your face off, and then cry some more. People will then come up to you and hug you in the street.
Dear Mims,Recently I released a book about my self, and I poured my heart into it. I really got in touch with my feminine side and told people about how I cried in public and also about how I would “self-harm” my self.Now Im scared that the big bad ugly Oztralians will read it and make fun of me. I wanted to come back and play for England but Im too scared.What should I do ?
-Longlost soul
You’re wasted in the Law, Miriam. Poor lovely Bobby…
Dear Longlost SoulI’ve seen the title of your book, and you’re on exactly the right track in seeking solace and strength from power ballads. I know that there are nights when the wind is so cold, that your body freezes in bed if you just listened to it right outside the window. But you’ll make yourself so strong again somehow!A new day will come!You won’t be by yourself, any more! Je ne vous oublie pas!Your heart will go on!um, you make me feel like a natural woman!
Oh yes Top stuff! Work, fashion friendships all catered for.You should advertise this service more widely. I’m sure the Burns Victim, Brockett and Porcelain Chops, need somewhere they know can get friendly advice. If Mullet Head had had access earlier who knows………..
…and what of the poor stout boy who nobody liked but who at least scored a shedful of runs? He has now grown so stout he is no longer able to wield his bat or run and his batting average is now of English proportions. Please don’t be kallous – help him out.