The Jrod is, as we speak, in midair making his way over to this green and pleasant land.
While he is over here I expect he will go to watch some live cricket.
Balls fans, what does he need to know? I start you off with some suggestions.
1. However hot the day might seem, always, always take a jumper and an umbrella.
2. However cold the day might seem, always, always take a hat, sunglasses and suncream.
3. You are still allowed to take alcohol into Lords, and you can maximise the units of alcohol by taking wine not beer.
4. There is no cashpoint near the Oval, and there isn’t really anywhere to get picnic food either, unless it’s a Saturday in which case the farmers’ market is open.
5. Don’t go to the first beer stall, go to the second.
6. The Oval scoreboard will make you cry with frustration.
7. You will get frisked with a metal detector on the way in to big matches. Therefore, it’s probably best to leave the remote control sex toy at home.
8. A counselling course is required before you undergo the trauma of paying for a pint of Pimms.
9. At test matches, you will be tempted to change energy supplier by attractive blonde sirens. Resist.
10. Whatever they might say on the tannoy at Lord’s, St John’s Wood tube is not too busy for going home.
11. Never rely on being able to watch cricket in any particular pub. It will most probably be bumped if anything – anything – else is on.
12. The beer sold at the grounds is shocking.
13. If you are repeatedly buying multiple pints, hang on to the cardboard carrying thing because they sometimes run out of them by the end of the day.
14. Tickets for county games are very expensive compared with Australian State games.
Any more? 
I can’t add anything, having only been to one day of cricket in England. But by God that Oval scoreboard is terrible.
All county grounds have at least one ‘nutter’. Often several. It’s best to identify them early. The one at Headingley walks round eating a large block of cheese. Do not allow him to sit down and engage you in conversation.
Hohoho that’s one thing I’m sure Jrod is going to miss. Free entry to domestic games. Best idea ever. Thank you cricketvictoria.
The English cricket nutters are magnificent.I set next to one at Trent Bridge one day.I have never seen anyone getting so heated in arguments with himself. The fingernails got a good working over too.More advice: don’t wear jandals to Lords.
I totally forgot to say anything about the nutters. They simpy did not cross my mind. Maybe I AM the nutter? *goes away to think*
Unless you wish to leave the game feeling thoroughly depressed (irrespective of the way your team has played), don’t forget to avoid the plethora of miserable old sods, too. They can be identified by their position at the very front, often seated in their own chairs, and are be heard doing little but moan about their team and whinge about Twenty20 and upstart females who know nothing about cricket. They will also be the ones glaring fiercely if you forget to switch your mobile to silent or dare to chat with anyone remotely connected to the staff, playing or otherwise. Know your place! Oh and the burgers are mostly rubbish. Bland at best. Chips aren’t too bad at Canterbury though.
I’ve never had a burger at the cricket, preferring instead to take my own sandwiches and then stare longingly at other people’s burgers and chips. I’ve had pies at the Oval, and thought they were quite nice apart from the mince one, which is for emergencies only. One day pies at the Oval were reduced to £1 at the end of the day. That was a happy day.
That should say “one day, pies..”. I wasn’t talking about special pies for one day games. They don’t exist.
The Jrod, I like that. I haven’t been to a cricket game in England, however your eleventh point I can certainly relate to. England vs India (I think), July last year, so it wasn’t even a non-England match. But they were showing lacrosse! Lacrosse! What was even funnier though, I was in Austria during the next Test, an Australian pub in fact, and they were showing it there. Does Cricket Victoria allow free entry to state games? Bastards.
Been a couple of years since my last Vic game Miss F, but free entry to 20/20 and 1 day games if you travel by public transport and I think they decided to allow anyone in for free to the 4 day games.
As you can see, the cat is not bothered about the content in that Wisden book. Then why would you want that pic to appear in a cricket blog Mims?
Ah yes, the resident County Ground nutter.If you come to Bristol, there is this fat guy with glasses and a squeaky voice. He used to work at the local shop, I remember him. Hed would probably engage you in obscure Glos convos and bad jokes ie “2p or not 2p that is the question.”And also, if you do come for an ODI, feel free to join in with the throwing the litter in the air in a Mexican Wave if that’s your sort of thing. But do it in the right bit.Finally, the other person resident at Bristol…if you see me at a County game there feel free to come and say hello.
I’d advise JRod to dress as a girl as the queues for the ladies’ loos are always much shorter.He doesn’t need to do the whole stockings and suspenders thing (unless he wants to of course) – a flowery sundress and a pair of Mim’s Birkenstocks should do the trick.
I think the cat is conspiculously indifferent, 12th man.
I thought that was the point of Miriam’s cat – to be conspicuously indifferent to all things cricketing
Unlike Australia where the penalty for running on the pitch is $5500, a night in gaol and an un-enforcable life ban, the penalty in England is a crash tackle and the warning that doing it again will cost you GBP20.I know this from after being one of the 200 to run onto the the Oval after play had finished in NZ v Aus in the 04 Champions Trophy. Got crash tackled by the Green Team who were recruited from the local rugby club.As Ricky said at the time “too many beers in the sun, I guess”
All EXCELLENT suggestions people. 12th man, the cat is indeed displaying his impressive conspicuous indifference to cricket. Look at how he’s deliberately turned his head away; it would have been easier for him to look at the book. I suspect that this may be the last cat picture for a while, as I expect The Jrod may have a few words about the cats.
good informative post, can’t believe there isn’t a cashpoint nearby. surprised no one has took one of the link ones there that charge £1.75 per transaction, you’d make a killing
I feel duty bound to provide more detailed cashpoint information for the Oval. There are some within about 10 minutes’ walk, but what you SHOULDN’T do is expect there to be one at Oval Station, because there isn’t. 1) Co-op on Camberwell New Road, free withdrawals.2) Black Sheep pub, paid withdrawals.3) One of the little shops on Brixton Road, paid withdrawals.4) Natwest (I think) on Kennington Road opposite Stannary Street, free withdrawals. 5) Various cashpoints at Vauxhall station, free withdrawals.
Miriam, you should do a little Lonely Planet guide to cricket grounds. This is all very good research.
Athiest;A Lonely Planet guide for cricket grounds is a great idea.Seriously.Could be Jrod’s next project to co-ordinate. I’m in.