cricket with balls

The Blackcaps are looking for a new coach, Braces is taking a more important job.

So here is my application.

My name is Uncle Jrod, and I hereby apply for the full time position of black caps coach.

I have looked at your seven page proposal and your goal of being ranked number one or two by 2011, I know I am the man for the job.

KPI’s.

New Zealand need to improve all their key performance indicators. Namely, they need more wickets and more runs. I will assist in this process.

BLUE SKY THINK TANKS

Meetings between myself, and other individuals who have the courage, creativity and clarity to find new ways for the Black Caps to go forward, and dare I say it, conquer the world.

MY WAR STORY

Over the years I have had many major cricketing moments, but the one that suits me best as black caps coach was was when I got hit 17 times on the body by someone everyone called Killer (not just because his surname was Kilpatrick), and I may have foolishly called an Ox, due to his large nature. I ended up making 27 runs. Meaning I averaged 1.58 runs to every blow, surely that makes me over qualified to coach New Zealand.

WEB 2.0 INITIATIVES

All players to regularly blog, facebook and come up with their own MySpace page, I love that retro stuff. This is to allow fans to connect with the players and have a meshing of the minds, avatars and souls, we call it synergy.

DIVERSITY AWARENESS SESSIONS

A three day intense camp in which all players will have to try bowl the carom ball, and to study techniques of Malinga and Chandrepaul.

MY INTEGRATED SOLUTION 10 POINT FRAMEWORK

1. Move the top 20 players to Bangladesh. New Zealand doesn’t want you, and Bangladesh would love to see real cricketers from time to time. It doesn’t have to be full time, just 10 months a year. It’s nice to feel appreciated.

2. Jacob Oram will be fed a diet of short deliveries. Nothing else, no medium pacers or spinners, just quicks and ball machines at his curly bonce. Also Ian Smith will be banned from pumping him up.

3. No more “middle players”. Players will be picked if they are young and talented, or if they are proven, nothing in between. No spinners who become openers, or any of that nonsense. A mix of youth and experience, cliché as a mother fucker, but it works.

4. The IPL can kiss my ass, Shane Bond is a New Zealand cricketer, and he plays for us. If Lalit Modi wants to stop him playing, he can kidnap him.

5. Stephen Fleming can retire whenever he wants, but hopefully not before we find a number 3 to replace him. He can wait 10 years can’t he?

6. Assholes, it’s all well and good to be assholes against minnows and Sri Lanka, but you use to be assholes against Australia, and that was grand.

7. Get an Australian coach, like me, we are the cats pyjamas, for proof see Greg Chappell, Jamie Siddons and Geoff Lawson.

8. Brothers, New Zealand teams always play better with brothers, and no, not the Marshall brothers, they’re rubbish. Isn’t there a Nathan that matches Brendan.

9. Picking players who will win cricket matches, and not those who are less likely to lose them is a good start. If we can’t win test matches we can sure as hell make people want to watch us.

10. Every team needs a Drunkard, if Warnie and Freddie have taught us anything, it’s that they are the key ingredient to build your team around. How is Young Jessie’s hand doing?

NEXT STEPS

Test selection

How – New Zealand with a real opener
Flynn – He’s not a middle order batsman, but the boy has balls, send him to the top.
Fleming – My only other option was two meter peter, and that’s not really an option.
Taylor – It’s his
Ryder – Not worried about fitness or consumption of alcohol, just batsmanship
McCullum – the Prince
Oram – Probably needs a hair cut.
Vettori – As a batting captain and part time bowler.
Patel – Your best spinner should play, not be a tourist
Bond – remember him.
Martin – Has a bit in him.
12th man – McCullum, N – got to fit a brother in.

Assistant Coach, sportsfreak, you need a hard ass bagman as assistant coach and he will be my key enabler. He is also here for cultural differences between myself and the players.

Media Manager, Sports review, he can handle the incoming rubbish while keeping me out of the loop.

Team Portrait, cricket action art, air brush required to reconstruct the look of New Zealand.

Cricket Existentionalist, Outside the Line, it’s about cricket, or is it,? Will also help with Corporate visions, or so it seems.

Embedded Journalist, Mike on cricket, everyone needs good press, outsourcing is the best way.

If anyone else would like to apply, please send your applications to cwb@cricketwithballs.com, and we will post them here for the New Zealand board to consider.