He comes home to your tastefully furnished apartment (filled with books and art), with a bunch of flowers, and spends a few minutes telling you about his day and politely enquiring about yours.
You’d play a game of Scrabble, he’d finish the Sudoku you struggled with earlier. You’d share a bottle of wine. After dinner he’d wash up.
Then you’d both read; you’d pick up “A Suitable Boy” and linger especially on the political bits, whilst he reads “A Brief History of Time” (original unabridged version, borrowed from Stuart MacGill).
You’d listen to music. You’d put on Hayden string quartets, he’d remove the cd and put in Arensky piano trios.
In preparation, you’ve put on his favourite outfit: a pencil skirt, white shirt, pearls, little cardigan, high heels, hair piled up on your head, glasses even though you don’t need them.
Then, he’d perform a Haka in front of you. You’d say for the millionth time “Daniel, for the love of God, can’t we just have sex already” and he’d say “yes, but why the hell should rugby get all the NZ sporting glory?”.
When he’d finished the Haka, he’d take off your hairclip with one hand and your glasses with another, allowing your hair to cascade down over your shoulders, and would say “Why, I never realised you were so beautiful!”. You’d then say your line “And I never knew you were so …. manly”.
Finally, you get down to it.
He has a habit of sticking out his tongue, but in a cute way, not in a horrid way like that Aussie spinner you once encountered. He mixes delicacy and strength, and is particularly skilled with his fingers, but he’s really good with the wood too. Genuine all-round ability. He’d tell you that he loves how you love him for his mind, whilst you gaze at his body.
However, there is trouble in paradise.
For a quickie, he’s fine. In fact, he’s one of the best. But for a satisfyingly drawn-out session, with plenty of time spent at the crease, you can forget it, because he’s only able to manage it once. He’s only EVER able to manage it once.
You’d have one really exciting go with him, it would look like you were on the way to a second, but any attempt at prolonging the action so as to get a result would cause a hopelessly limp collapse.
To get you through the night, you dream about the day that he swore repeatedly in public, and make a note to press the blue “keep” button on your Skyplus for the highlights of the 4th ODI. That gets him worked up like nothing else, even better than the specialist stuff you downloaded from the internet.
The next Friday night, the girls come over for Chardonnay, romcoms, chocolate and facepacks, and you get talking about your men. They all say how much they envy you, how your husband is the hottest, how they love the geek chic, how he’s so CUTE and CLEVER and FUNNY and SENSITIVE.
You laugh and smile, and raise your glass with them. After they’ve gone, though, you listen to “I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me”, unlock your secret bedside table drawer and think of Shane Bond.
A very revealing post Miriam, almost feel as if I know as much about you know as Vettori.
Any resemblance to any actual sexual preferences of the writer are purely coincidental.
“his favourite outfit – a pencil skirt, white shirt, pearls, little cardigan, high heels”Am filled with vision of the Librarian thusly clad. YumPS Pattinson! Why not Shreck?
I read the whole way through that, never suspecting it wasn’t Jrod writing. Looking back, though, the punctuation is a bit too good. Nice work, Miriam.
Thanks Kym, although I’m surprised you didn’t get me at Arensky piano trios.
Actually, there was a slight jar at that point, but Jrod has done some research in past posts to make a point better. I thought this might be one of those times.
Kym are you English?
No. West Australian.
i agree with kymyou must have been channeling jrod for this postgreat workthe only thing i would add is that he becomes superhuman when playing australia.very clark kentish man he is.
Yes I thought it was Jrod too! Though the points about the punctuation… spelling… grammar… are correct (love your work Jrod).Go West Australians!Anyway…*sigh*
When Western Australian’s start commenting on your grammar you know you’re in trouble.
Love the ironic touch there with the apostrophe.
Correct use of your/you’re though. How do you all know that it’s me channeling Jrod? Jrod could have been channeling me in his previous “in bed withs”.
Or both could be channeling someone else.
Without trying to sound too.. well, gay, Daniel Vettori’s favourite music is or was in fact, Weezer.
John, that’s not gay, unless he told you this after you had felched him. Weezer is a great band, by thoughts on D Vettori may have risen.
I knew that Dan would be a man of taste. I love Weezer, although no doubt Spigot prefers their early stuff.
felt a lot more comfortable reading this “bedtime tale” than I often do reading those of Jrod. Bring on some more, and I don’t give a fat rats arse about the puncuation. Stick your apostrophes anyplace you want Miriam and Jrod