Contrary to popular belief, India and Australia are not the only two test teams left on earth. Occasionally the other teams get together for a game that doesn’t involve bastard monkeys.
It is with this in mind I cast an eye over the English tour of New Zealand.
These days the New Zealand government are happy when anyone shows up there in a group, because it doubles the population for a while. But even they could do without the Barmy Army.
The English are using this as a springboard towards the Ashes, which as usual is the wrong way to go about the series. Forget about springboards England, learn to swim first.
And what better place to learn to swim than the kiddies poll that is New Zealand test Cricket.
England has arrived with their work for the Dole player Ravi Bopara, a man that makes Shane Watson look like Keith Miller, but that’s just for the one dayers. You are now allowed 2 rubbish one day players per side now under ICC guidelines.
England is trying to take the tour seriously (they left Bopara out of the test side), but it’s hard to take New Zealand seriously.
New Zealand has just beaten Bangladesh comfortably, which is like beating up a 5 year old deaf, blind, mute with a peg for a leg. Before that they were given the biggest hiding in Africa since Roebuck smacked those kids on their naughty bottoms.
Mind you England’s form is ordinary as well, they recently lost to a team with only 2 players, who had just been crushed like bugs by Australia.
England has brought out a pretty ordinary bowling line up, but they are taking on a pretty ordinary batting line up, so it could work out well.
Hoggard and Monty (barely) are the only two of real international standard. Anderson and Broad are good looking boys, so I suggest modelling or gay porn instead of this bowling caper. Harmison looks like Tarzan and plays like Jane, Sidebottom is something, but I’m not sure what, and some guy called Swann who has obviously been brought out to mix the drinks and such.
New Zealand’s strength (exaggeration) is their batting. Taylor, the dude who got hit in the head, Fleming, Oram, Fulton, Richardson and perhaps Vincent can all hold bats. It’s the making runs bit that is their trouble. Taylor will need to make 2 big hundreds, and Oram will need to make one quick hundred and a couple of fifties other wise this is a charity tour for England. The rest will provide gutsy 50 to 70 odds.
A brief look at England’s batting looks impressive. Vaughn is sort of almost back, Cook is still growing pubes, Bell is an excellent foreplay batsmen, Collingwood is England’s best probot and KP is South African, so there is a solid enough foundation there. But not many of these guys are in career best form.
For the Kiwis there really isn’t much to be scared about in Shane Bonds absence. There is Chris Martin who is just a bowler, there is a street thug named Gillespie who will run in hard all day, but is probably more scary if you meet him in the bar afterwards, Tom Moody’s Kiwi twin Oram, who places the ball down with a softness unknown to most big men and Vettori who is benign.
New Zealand have on of the best wicket keepers in world cricket, England have about 8 of the most rubbishness ones. No its not a real word, but they are generally not wicket keepers, so they don’t deserve real words.
The Poms have the ability to win two tests, the Kiwis one.
But the Poms looked fragile in Sri Lanka, I mean Vaas ripped through them, and his best years have long since departed, so I’ll stick my neck out and say New Zealand and their “street fighting we know we’re not good but we’ll stab you for a win” mentality will make this a one all draw.
That is the ending for my New Zealand commitments, now here is the one for my English commitments, the old bulldog will fight and claw against the lesser New Zealand players and 2 zip will be the outcome.
For the rest of the world I will give this prediction, most of you really couldn’t give a flying fu©k.
You probably didn’t realise New Zealand were still a test playing nation.
Great post as usual.Ever since Zaheer waved his bat furiously at him and Sreesanth downed him with a beamer; he isn;t the same batsman.I wonder why India stopped going to New Zealand. I remember the last time we went there were parts of all 4 innings played on a single day.Its an awfully long way to go to play 2 day tests.
Golan; India are in NZ for 3 test in 12 months time.NZ will be on better behaviour this time round and will prepare proper pitches.And we’ve also been nice to the BCCI by sending Bond down the road.
Gol, don’t worry about Khan And Sree changing him, the truth he has become to english, was much better as a south african who played for england. Only takes one loss of ashes. LB, your only hope of beating India is to have shocking pitches, and its also the only way i’d actaully watch them.
Superb, Uncle!
JRod,To be fair we went just a fraction over the top in 2002; there were probably hedgehogs hiding in the pitch.As gola said the Hamilton test featured all 4 innings in the one day; NZ scored 94 in the first innings yet only trailed by 5 and still won.The mammoth 160/6 in the 4th innings was the highest score of the match…You’d have enjoyed Prince Surav’s reaction to the whole thing though.
Pah! New Zealand will be white-washed. Then we will white-wash the South Africans. Then we will white-wash whoever we’re touring next winter. Then we will win back the Ashes in a white-wash. Then we will say the Ashes aren’t important to us. We will pretend that they’re not the only thing in cricket that matters to us. The ultimate come-back is about to begin. And Ravi Bopara is leading the way.
Lb, quick game is a good game.Ath, Bopara the new botham?
Sex with evil dragons, for the win!Thanks for The England reference.. Well done old man…Interesting post, and I think we should win the test series relatively easily..If Hoggy swings the new red nut, then it’ll be a walk in the park. If not, then oopsODI’s are a different kettle of fish though. We’re shit in pyjamas.I actually shit in pyjamas.Alas, KP has succumbed to that typically english disease, of losing, and losing hard, therefore destroying everything you do for years after.
“…places the ball down with a softness unknown to most big men” – genius. In fact the whole post is gold. There was a quite sweet interview with Rav the Chav in Wisden Cricketer a few months ago, where the heading was, I think, “I want to be England’s Tendulkar”. We want you to be England’s Tendulkar too, Ravi. Do it. Do it now. Do it.
Suave,Do not underestimate the factor of NZ pitches (although England should be better placed than most to handle that).England, on paper, have the edge in every area apart from spin-bowling, keeping and lower-order batting.It will be a good series. Watch the Bell v Bell battle.Boring batsmen, boring names, but whoever comes out on top is likely to come from the winning team.
Miriam, Bopara wants to be Englands Sahin, and i want to be Natalie’s Boyfriend, i think i’m leading. Suave, thought you’d like that old bean. I figured as i was making up a word, i might as well use your brand of english as well.
LB, Does your Bell look like the most techinically gifted player of his generation, before throwing it all away, by being a little dweeb, who gets Hulk Smashed?Ours does.
Unle J,A real gem, when a germ could’ve done! The series will be played when the world sleeps – and that’s a pity, becoz this would be tooth and nail sans polish stuff – bare basic caveman cricket, very low standards but what enthusiasm! If the weather’s weird, we might have 2 day tests, T20 ODIs and a T20 even shorter than Feb 1st. That would be a first!
Suave,Our Bell’s the reverse really. Extremely intense, he’s just come out of a 5 year period of having a front-on stance as in Chanderpaul.H’es the kind of batsman who talks to himself when the bowler’s running in.Simillar baby-face looks though. Probably still gets asked his age at the pub
I actually fancy England’s chances against New Zealand. KP is one of my favourites bat so I am hoping he does well in NZAlso when India gets there in 12 months time, I would actually like the 100 all out innings repeated. They were fun to watch.