Warning: this blog contains references to all sorts of really offensive stuff, so if bastard monkeys offend you, please step away now, or I’ll throw a fatherless banana at you.
The title of this blog could mean different things to different people.
To some it could be questioning the parentage of a black man.
To others it could be something you say to a friend of yours who is a primate.
We live in tricky times.
Political correctness is the new black.
Hence why I haven’t been asked to write for Cric Info.
There are certain things you can say to certain players, that you can’t say to other players.
Like you can’t call Makhaya Ntini or Andrew Symonds a monkey, but you can call Steve Harmison one.
You can call an Australian a motherfu©ker, bastard, @sshole, ©unt, sh1thead or poofter, but don’t mention monkeys, infact stay away from any primates.
Don’t call the Prime Minister of New Zealand a man.
Don’t call Ian Thorpe a big foot or a homosexual.
And don’t call a South African Muslim a terrorist.
You can call Brett Lee a man.
You can call Elton John a homosexual with or without big feet.
And you can call me a terrorist.
This is what confuses people.
So I have devised a new plan, everyone is to be called by their number and their number only.
If you don’t have a number, I suggest you come up with one.
My number is 3113455513 and that is all you are ever allowed to call me.
My number has no racial connotations, it cannot be called homosexual, isn’t a monkey or a bastard, doesn’t wear womens underwear, won’t do ice, hasn’t plotted the downfall of the western civilisation, can’t eaten tofu or vote republican.
Let us do a role play, lets say your number 67342334, and I beat the bat with an inswinger that spat up past the edge of your bat like a cobra.
I may walk down and say you fu©ken lucky 67342334.
You look back at me and say your such a little 3113455513, get back to your mark and bowl the fu©ken ball 3113455513 before I smack you upside your head.
And then we laugh, and buy each other fried pig snacks and no one has to talk to Mike Proctor ever again.
Isn’t that a world we all want to live in 67342334, by the way 67342334 your hair looks great today, no that’s not what I meant, no, um sorry, I had no idea, no really that is not necessary, please don’t get upset, I just meant, I’m sorry, put down that chair 67342334, please don’t kill me, I’m way too beautiful to die……………
UncleJ,Actually, there is a series of ads run by a telecom company suggesting that people should be addressed by their Nos.prefereably their own.
I have stayed in Patrick McGoohan’s house in Portmeirion.I had a whale of a time playing cricket on the beach, and then running maniacally down the beach shouting.. I am not a number, I am a free man!!!The mushrooms and cricket. They are not the best of bedfellows.Admittedly, if you happen to find a big white balloon, I’m fucked. You cannot escape a balloon.
Ott, I’m on the pulse of the new world.suave, How sad am I, i know what your talking about from the simpsons and Austin powers.
I suggest you go and buy The Prisoner DVD boxsets. They are a sight to behold. I went through a stage in my early 20′s of leaving the pub every Saturday afternoon to watch it, then going straigh back after!
If i had a sponsor for this site i’d look into buying things.
That would be nice, eh kidder.But I can’t see anyone risking there hard earned pennies, on a loose cannon like your good self.
3113455513 is such a fúcking gay number, where you wearing a hot pink singlet when you picked that one knob jockey?
A couple of numbers will need to be reserved.As in – You little “No. 2″ you are just taking the “No. 1″.
suave, i thought the idea was they get my street cred and rebellious ways and then i become safe knowing that the big bucks are coming in i write corporate droll.Moses, dont go bagging my numbers.
Maybe we just need to set up the anti-cricinfo.Think Golf Punk…If they won’t have us, we’ll fight them for the Internet.
The Christian Bondage cricket blog?
That sort of thing, maybe without all the Christian shenanigans..Bondage is fine though
There’s a television advert which has been going around in India for a while now…Idea! Cellular…it goes exactly the same way.Sorry about Cricinfo, but would have loved to read you up there. Importantly, the comments column below…I’m in splits already anticipating what comes out of a well-stirred, throw-in-everything pot. People get used to eating the same old pudding every day and a chilli here and a pepper there can perk life up some.I’ll wait for the day…
But i thought we should name it in honour of Hayden.
Cricketwithpinkballs.com
I guess it would make me come to work angry every day.. And angry = Good blogging!
we could be a haven for gay cricketers as well.
Not only can you call the Prime Minister of NZ a man, but you can bloody have him.
I’d consider giving you TheSledgingPost.com if you guys get your shit together for a mash up on the proviso “bastard” does not go on the list of verboten words.