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There is no cricket being played right at the moment, well none that greatly interests me.
So instead I thought I’d come up with my best cricket bloggers XI, a sort of half @ssed tribute to the cricket blog.
Now some of you will be p1ssed to miss out, but it doesn’t mean I like your blog less, it just means it was hard to fit in all 88 Indian cricket blogs or you haven’t been writing much lately.
When choosing a cricket team, I like to start with opening batsmen, which seems to be the opposite of how Indian selectors go about it. When I think of openers, I think of Englishmen, not sure why. I wanted someone dapper, someone sophisticated, someone reliable, someone bred like Mark Nicholas, someone who could charm the panties off a queen, so I picked Republique Cricket.
Being that Republique is still just a pup, I wanted a partner with experience to go in beside him, someone to say, settle down lad, I’ve been here before, so I chose The Cricket Watchers Journal from India. He brings an air of respectability to the changeroom.
Number 3 was an easy decision. I wanted grit, but with an attacking flare. King Cricket was the obvious choice, solid on all wickets and knows when to attack or just be british. He bats like Robert Key Would in heaven.
With two Englishmen in the top 3, I realised we may get a little boring to watch, so I went with Well Pitched from Pakistan next. Maybe not as extravagant as other Pakistani’s, but definitely not English. Most probably doesn’t take cocaine.
For number 5, I wanted someone a bit angry, someone who could rip your head off just to get a single, so obviously I went with an Indian, Straight Point. He likes to hit the ball hard.
At number 6 I chose myself, because as we know, all great cricket teams need a Victorian Allrounder batting at Number 6. This is the only reason I didn’t pick myself at 3. I’d also like to give myself the vice captain position, but I’m not sure I’m mature enough just yet.
The wicket keeper was important to me, I wanted a specialist keeper, who was handy with the sledge and the willow. Someone who loves a scrap, even when he is losing, so who better than the New Zealand Sportsfreak. I’d also give him the vice captaincy, not cause he is a goody two shoes, but cause I think he’d have good input, although being that he is from Kiwi land he could never be captain, so I could still leap frog him.
At number 8 is our wrist spinning allrounder, and captain of this team, Are You a Left Arm Chinamen. Like Richie and Anil before him, he is intelligent enough to be a bowler and a captain, but can still score good runs. Also looks good in a blazer, I’d assume. I know he’ll lead this team well.
I looked long and hard for a bowler capable of bowling long spells into the wind on flat tracks, who better than a Mid Off fielder, so I slotted him in at 9. He is also harder to get out than a mutated child of Matthew Hoggard and Jason Gillespie.
Every team needs a young firebrand, so at number 10 we have Six & Out. Not capable of long spells, but is devastating in short bursts. Also can produce some long clean hits, when the mood suits her.
At number 11 is the old war horse seam bowler who just keeps getting wickets and sledging all day, After Grog Blog. Sure his batting is ordinary, and his hip is going, but on the 3rd day when the pitch is at its easiest to bat on, he is the man to find a wicket, by any means necessary.
Being that cricketers have a larger entourage than Whitney Houston these days, I should mention some of the other key members.
Coach – My two cents, a wise head, who is this teams version of Yoda. Except he has a better understanding of English than Yoda.
Team Manager – History of Cricket, when you’re lodging appeals or fending off the media, you need the man who remembers every single occurrence in cricket history on your side.
Team Mascot – Oxen Shizer, I just think he could pull off a camp suit.
Physio – Cricket Blog, they just seem like they have soft hands.
Media Manager (& part time 12th man)– Island Express, if anyone could handle the press, this is our man.
I know I’ve missed some, but when I thought of this whilst wicket keeping in indoor cricket, it seemed like an easy blog, now it seems like my Ulysses.
Damn you to hell Uncle J Rod!!I’ve just been to a gig, I’m drunk, my missus is off scouring the area for a kebab, and you’re making me cry!!But you can rely on me for a gritty 30-40 before I perish to those pesky spinners..’I had a secret conversation with Sportsfreak last night, in which we basically said you’re brilliant. Now I’ve stepped up a level, to actual man-love.Be thankful that you’re over 10000 miles away!
So we can’t trust Suave with team secrets then…Sportsfreak is honoured to be chosen as wicket-keeper; our game will be modeled on Adam Parore; in every sense.
Suave,You’ve been in the team 5 minutes and you’ve already been dropped from the leadership group. And thanks for Making me feel so uncomfortable. SF, that is exactly who i had in mind when i selected you.
Who’s leading the prayer meetings?
Being that the captain is an ahteist, we may have to give them a miss.
Do I at least geat an Ultimate XI T shirt?
Sure, its in the mail.
Hmm, we’ll try to be more exciting a’la reverse swing/afridi in the future…
Obaid, no need to change, have read other cricket blogs that are written in an Afridi style. No good.
lol, Afridi’s have a short shelf life. Thanks for including usAtleast with our inclusion we’ll be having chicken tikka masala etc for lunch. Cucumber sandwiches etc should be banned
Obaid, without disappearing up your sphincter, you have the best pakistani blog by a fair distance. And i was hoping for some Yousuf Youhanna style middle order batting.
thanks uncle…it indeed a pleasure to be in your final eleven…since you are there with humor part with your amazing sense of humor i think i will provide the balance… ;-)
Yeah, Me is really a bowler of sorts.A true rib-tickler.(the post, I meant)
Sp, your welcome. Dinnie, i figured as much.
This mob needs no coaching. Each is a champion in his/her own right, each capable of taking on a combined World XI on his/her own. Even in Tiddlywinks.. Or Curling.Me, I could use the paid vacation though :)Cheers
You mean I’m expendable? Well that’s the way the Indian think tank views the opening spot, but I guess I’m an @ and will make ‘em pay for pushing me up the order…a 501 (minimum) right off the bat might be a good way to start with…That bit about you being not mature enough…I thought you had another birthday just a few days ago.
Thank you, J.No.11 is perfect for me and my two left-hand gloves.
Just wondering Jrod…Who is this team going to be playing against? The Ch9 “commentary” team?
Homer, Just some slight tweaking from time to time. Soul, I was thinking Sunny Gavaskar. Tony, I’m not even going to ask how you got two left gloves.LB, Well i was thinking the cric info people. But channel 9 could work, but i may hurt my back with all the short bowling i’d be doing. Trust me its hard to bowl bouncers when your a leggie.
Yeah, the Cricinfo commentaries have got very dull of late. Ever since they dumped that guy for speaking the truth about Langer.But if Sportsfreak is in this side primarily for sledging ability, I can only dream of a Nicholas – Greig partnership at some stage.
homer i think your long aspiration for coach job is finally getting fulfilled…don’t throw it away…we will manage with you ;-))Uncle…on second thought…imagine Mr HOT at 5 and Mr COOL at 6 what a partnership it will be…
Lb, i almost called this blog Brown nosed gnome.The original catchphrase on criketwithballs was – we do it brown nosed gnome style.
They are the two that Instant Karma left in the Indian rooms on Sunday night.
Tony, good one, it was so smooth and sublte i missed it the first time.
Well, as captain, I have first dibs on the women that serve us tea.Whatever “dibs” means.
Drat, I missed out! May be I should complain to the ICC. Or sign up with the ICL.
Damn I dont know how I missed this.. just came across this while surfing your blog…Thats quite a neat collection of cricket bloggers Uncle J..I reckon we could give the best a run for their money !!Great post.
Aww fiddlesticks. Talk about missing the boat.
Don’t worry MF i’m sure i’ll have a new XI next year, and you may just get in.
Time for an updated XI…
Must admit has been on my list of things to do for a while now, will get to it shortly.