cricket with balls

There are quite a few new captains around the world. Some of them I’ve never seen in real action, but why would that stop me discussing them in detail and mentioning the old fools as well.

Ricky Ponting 7/10

Is a bit of a reactionary captain. He backs his players to the hilt, which is great for the players but sometimes can backfire at key moments. If he doesn’t throw the ball to you at crucial moments as a bowler, the selectors wont pick you next game (Dizzy, Cameron White, Shaun Tait). Doesn’t like to experiment. Takes advice from pretty much everyone at all times (except Cameron White) and likes to lead from the front with the bat.

Simpson character he most reminds me of: Bart, got a cheeky streak in him, but still comes out on top.

Mohammad Ashraful 4/10

Since I haven’t seen Bangladesh at test level since Dizzy turned into Bradman, I’m going on 2020 form and since Ashraful hasn’t captained many tests it doesn’t really matter. At the 2020 Ashraful showed great poise, he took it upon himself to win the game with his bat, often giving away his wicket to help the team. In the field he always seemed to be one step ahead, which is the hallmark of many Dav Whatmore captains. In order for Bangladesh to be any good this dude needs to be Lee Marvin in the dirty dozen.

Martin Prince, child prodigy who looks like his future is assured, but child prodigies don’t always do anything.

Michael Vaughn 7/10

Probably as good a captain as Ricky Ponting. Still a bit reactionary seems to wait for the game to come to him, and once they are behind in a match you do get the feeling it will take a big performance from one of the main men rather than great captaining to get them out of the hole. England are not the easiest team to captain. Fragile franchise players like Harmison and Trescothic, unconventional match winners in Kp and Freddy and players who do stupid things off the field all the fucking time.

Milhouse, he does everything Bart does, but just not as cool.

MS Dhoni 5/10

It’s too early to make grand statements, so I’ll make one. I think the boy can captain and I think he could be the Indian captain for 8 years (until the Nuclear war starts and they are all killed). He thinks, he moves, he’s well ahead of the game, he gives his players license and he bats like he’s trying to win cricket games.

Disco Stu, its all about the hair baby.

Daniel Vetttori 0/10

Ok this one is way to early to even talk about. Not sure if he has even captained a real match yet. As a strategic captain you can’t get a better apprenticeship than under Stephen Fleming (the thinking mans captain, that’s why Sime doesn’t like him). Vettori will have a big job, he is the ultimate nerdy cricketer, and he wears glasses and bowls left arm orthodox. Can the nerd captain, lead the cricketing nation that has no one left living there.

Lisa Simpson is my Vettori bet, smart and nerdy, and both built like little girls.

Shoiab Malik 4/10

Still very early on, I’m not convinced he is a long term test cricketer, that said, does look like the sort of guy that when you give him men to lead he grows an extra leg. Struggled against the South Africans, but if you don’t have the cannons to beat the robots they grind you into death. Different style of Pakistan captain, best thing that can happen to him is if Pakistan keeping picking kids and he can grow with the team.

Abe Simpson, looks like a dithering fool, but has a great war record and some times he says stupid things.

Graeme Smith 4/10

If only he could captain as good as he talks about captaining. Dude is a major fucking ass clown. He makes so many mistakes, on and off the filed. Then again the best captain they have had in the last 20 years is a born again match fixer. He captains with his cock, and he doesn’t have the biggest cock in the room, I think he needs to smoke some weed, chill out and think about cricket as a fluid form rather than a solid form. (That’s deep man).

Principal Skinner, tight haircut but is a loser, and will always be a loser.

Mahela Jayawardene 7/10

There isn’t much this guy does wrong, probably on a par with Vaughn and Ponting, but is maybe a little less reactionary than them. No flair with his captaining, but his players respect him. He is professional and unobtrusive, he knows that Sanath, Murali, Kumar and Malinga are the stars and that he is just the man who lets them strut their stuff.

Waylon Smithers, does his job very well, but he’s a bit boring and the real power is Mr. burns (murali), and no I’m not saying he’s gay, although good luck to him if he is.

West Indies –1/10

Do they even have a captain, I think you get the job depending on which seat you find.

Springfield Isotopes, they need a dancin’ homer.

Robert Mugabe –1000/10

Showed promise early on, made grand gestures about cricketer being a gentleman’s game, but then with the starving of the blacks and lynching of the whites you’d have to say he dropped the ball. Then when he arrested his main opposition for trying to kill him, threatening Heath Streaks father and putting a hit on Andy Flower and Henry Olonga you’d have to say he lost all of his form. Can’t see any redemption in his future, I think the selectors need to get some guns and start a coup.

Homer, worst father ever.